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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23124877">50 Shades Of Shepherd</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerDerShepGrey/pseuds/MerDerShepGrey'>MerDerShepGrey</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>50 Shades of Shepherd [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fifty Shades of Grey - All Media Types, Grey's Anatomy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey, Inspired by Grey's Anatomy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:33:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>38,664</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23124877</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerDerShepGrey/pseuds/MerDerShepGrey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When college senior Meredith Grey steps in for her sick roommate to interview prominent businessman Derek Shepherd for their campus paper, little does she realize the path her life will take. Derek, as enigmatic as he is rich and powerful, finds himself strangely drawn to Mer, and she to him. Though sexually inexperienced, Mer plunges headlong into an affair -- and learns that Derek's true sexual proclivities push the boundaries of pain and pleasure.<br/>This story is based on the novel by E.L James and characters belong to Shonda Rhimes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lexie Grey/Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>50 Shades of Shepherd [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1796035</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Interview</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair, it just won’t behave, and damn Alexandra Grey for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should study for my last exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt once more to bring it under control with the brush. I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, blonde-haired girl with green eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi presentable. Lexie is my roommate and sister, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. Therefore, she can’t attend the interview she’d done, with some mega industrialist tycoon I’ve never heard of, for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteering. I have last exams to cram for, one essay to finish, and I’m supposed to be working this afternoon, but no, today I have to drive a 165 miles to downtown Seattle to meet the enigmatic CEO of Shepherd Enterprises Holdings Inc. As an exceptional entrepreneur and major benefactor of our university, his time is extraordinarily precious, much more precious than mine, but he has granted Lexie an interview. A real coup, she tells me. Damn her extracurricular activities. Lexie is huddled on the couch in the living room.<br/>“Mer, I’m sorry. It took me nine months to get this interview. It will take another six to reschedule, and we’ll both have graduated by then. As the editor, I can’t blow this off. Please.” Lexie begs me in her rasping, sore throat voice. How does she do it? Even sick she looks gamine and gorgeous, black hair in place and green eyes bright, although now red-rimmed and runny. I ignore my pang of unwelcome sympathy.<br/>“I’ll go, Lexie. You should get back to bed. Would you like some NyQuil or Tylenol?”<br/>“NyQuil, please. Here are the questions and my mini disc recorder. Just press record here. Make notes, I’ll transcribe it all.”<br/>“I know nothing about him,” I murmur, trying and failing to suppress my rising panic.<br/>“The questions will see you through. Go. It’s a lengthy drive. I don’t want you to be late.”<br/>“Okay, I’m going. Get back to bed. I made you some soup to heat later.” I stare at her fondly. Only for you, Lexie, would I do this.<br/>“I will. Good luck. And thanks Mer, as usual, you’re my lifesaver.” gathering my satchel, I smile wryly at her, then head out the door to the car. I can’t believe I have let Lexie talk me into this. But then Lexie can talk anyone into anything. She’ll make an exceptional journalist. She’s articulate, strong, persuasive, argumentative, beautiful, and she’s my dearest, dearest friend. The roads are empty as I set off from Vancouver, WA toward Portland and I,5. It’s early, and I don’t have to be in Seattle until two this afternoon. Fortunately, Lexie lent me her sporty Mercedes CLK. I’m not sure Wanda, my old VW Beetle, would make the journey in time. Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal. My destination is the headquarters of Mr. Shepherd’s global enterprise. It’s a huge twenty story office building, all curved glass and steel, an architect’s utilitarian fantasy, with Shepherd House written discreetly in steel over the glass front doors. It’s a quarter to two when I arrive, relieved that I’m not late as I walk into the enormous and frankly intimidating, glass, steel and white sandstone lobby. Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde youthful woman smiles pleasantly at me. She’s wearing the sharpest charcoal suit jacket and white shirt I have ever seen. She looks immaculate.<br/>“I’m here to see Mr. Shepherd. Meredith Grey for Alexandra Grey.”<br/>“Excuse me one moment, Miss Grey.” She arches her eyebrow slightly as I stand self-consciously before her. I wish I’d borrowed one of Lexie’s formal blazers rather than wear my navy blue jacket. I have tried and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart. I tuck one of the escaped tendrils of my hair behind my ear as I pretend she doesn’t intimidate me.<br/>“We expect miss Grey. Please sign in here, Miss Grey. You’ll want the last elevator on the right, press for the twentieth floor.” She smiles kindly at me, amused as I sign in. She hands me a security pass that has VISITOR firmly stamped on the front. I can’t help my smirk. Surely it’s obvious that I’m just visiting. I don’t fit in here at all. Nothing changes, I inwardly sigh. Thanking her, I walk over to the bank of elevators past the two security men who are both far more smartly dressed than I am in their well-cut black suits. The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor. The doors slide open, and I’m in another large lobby, again all glass, steel and white sandstone. I’m confronted by another desk of sandstone and another young blonde woman dressed impeccably in black and white who rises to greet me.<br/>“Miss Grey, could you wait here, please?” She points to a seated area of white leather chairs. Behind the leather chairs is a spacious glass walled meeting room with an equally spacious black wood table and at least twenty matching chairs around it. Beyond that, there is a floor to ceiling window with a view of the Seattle skyline that looks out through the city toward the Sound. It’s a stunning vista, and I’m momentarily paralyzed by the view. Wow. I sit down, fish the questions from my satchel, and go through them, inwardly cursing Lexie for not providing me with a brief biography. I know nothing about this man I’m about to interview. He could be ninety or he could be thirty. The uncertainty is galling, and my nerves resurface, making me fidget. I’ve never been comfortable with one-on-one interviews, preferring the anonymity of a group discussion where I can sit inconspicuously at the back of the room. To be honest, I prefer my company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. Not sitting twitching nervously in a colossal glass and stone edifice. I roll my eyes at myself. Get a grip, Grey. Judging from the building, which is too clinical and modern, I guess Shepherd is in his forties: fit, tanned, and fair haired to match the rest of the personnel. Another elegant, flawlessly dressed blonde comes out of an enormous door to the right. What is it with all the immaculate blondes? It’s like Stanford here. Taking a deep breath, I stand up.<br/>“Miss Grey?” the latest blonde asks.<br/>“Yes,” I croak and clear my throat.<br/>“Yes.” There, that sounded more confident.<br/>“Mr. Shepherd will see you in a moment. May I take your jacket?”<br/>“Oh, please.” I struggle out of the jacket.<br/>“Have they offered you any refreshment?”<br/>“Um... no.” Oh dear, is blonde number one in trouble? Blonde number two frowns and eyes the youthful woman at the desk.<br/>“Would you like tea, coffee or water?” she asks, turning her attention back to me.<br/>“A glass of water. Thank you,” I murmur.<br/>“Isabel, please fetch Miss Grey a glass of water.” Her voice is stern. Isabel scoots up immediately and scurries to a door on the other side of the foyer.<br/>“My apologies, Miss Grey, Isabel is our new intern. Please be seated. Mr. Shepherd will be another five minutes.” Isabel returns with a glass of iced water.<br/>“Here you go, Miss Grey.”<br/>“Thank you.” Blonde number two marches over to the enormous desk, her heels clicking and echoing on the sandstone floor. She sits down, and they both continue their work. Perhaps Mr. Shepherd insists on all his employees being blonde. I’m wondering idly if that’s legal, when the office door opens and a tall, elegantly dressed, attractive African American man with short dreads exits. I have definitely worn the wrong clothes. He turns and says through the door.<br/>“Golf, this week, Shepherd.” I don’t hear the reply. He turns, sees me, and smiles, his black eyes crinkling at the corners. Isabel jumped up and called the elevator. She seems to excel at jumping from her seat. She’s more nervous than me!<br/>“Wonderful afternoon ladies,” he says as he departs through the sliding door.<br/>“Mr. Shepherd will see you now, Miss Grey. Go through,” blonde number two says. I stand rather shakily, trying to suppress my nerves. Gathering my satchel, I abandon my glass of water and make my way to the partially open door.<br/>“You don’t need to knock, just go in.” She smiles kindly. I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling headfirst into the office. Double crap, me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Shepherd’s office and gentle hands are around me helping me stand. I am so embarrassed, damn my clumsiness. I have to steel myself to glance up. Holy cow, he’s so young.<br/>“Miss Grey.” He extends a long-fingered hand to me once I’m upright.<br/>“I’m Derek Shepherd. Are you all right? Would you like to sit?” So young and attractive, very attractive. He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark black colored hair and intense, bright blue eyes that regard me shrewdly. It takes a moment for me to find my voice.<br/>“Um Actually,” I mumble. If this guy is over thirty, then I’m a monkey’s uncle. In a daze, I place my hand in his, and we shake. As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static. I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate.<br/>“Miss Grey is indisposed, so she sent me. I hope you don’t mind, Mr. Shepherd.”<br/>“And you are?” His voice is warm, possibly amused, but it’s difficult to tell from his impassive expression. He looks mildly interested, but above all, polite.<br/>“Meredith Grey. I’m studying English Literature with Lexie, um... Alexandra... um... Miss Grey at Washington State.”<br/>“I see,” he says. I think I see the ghost of a smile in his expression, but I’m not sure.<br/>“Would you like to sit?” He waves me toward a white leather buttoned L-shaped couch. His office is way too big for just one man. In front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, there’s a huge modern black wood desk that six people could comfortably eat around. It matches the coffee table by the couch. Everything else is white ceilings, floors and walls except on the wall by the door where a mosaic of small paintings hang, thirty-six of them arranged in a square. They are an exquisite series of mundane, forgotten objects painted in such precise detail, they look like photographs. Displayed together, they are breathtaking.<br/>“A local artist. Trouton,” says Shepherd when he catches my gaze.<br/>“They’re lovely. Raising the ordinary to the extraordinary,” I murmur, distracted both by him and the paintings. He cocks his head to one side and regards me intently.<br/>“I couldn’t agree more, Miss Grey,” he replies, his voice soft and for some inexplicable reason I blush. Apart from the paintings, the rest of the office is cold, clean and clinical. I wonder if it reflects the personality of the Adonis who sinks gracefully into one of the white leather chairs opposite me. I shake my head, disturbed at the direction of my thoughts, and retrieve Lexie’s questions from my satchel. Next, I set up the mini disc recorder and am all fingers and thumbs, dropping it twice on the coffee table in front of me. Mr. Shepherd says nothing, waiting patiently for hope, as I become increasingly embarrassed and flustered. When I pluck up the courage to look at him, he’s watching me, one hand relaxed in his lap and the other cupping his chin and trailing his long index finger across his lips. I think he’s trying to suppress a smile.<br/>“Sorry,” I stutter.<br/>“I’m not used to this.”<br/>“Take all the time you need, Miss Grey,” he says.<br/>“Do you mind if I record your answers?”<br/>“After you’ve taken so much trouble to set up the recorder and you ask me now?” I flush. He’s teasing me. I hope. I blink at him, unsure what to say and I think he takes pity on me because he relents.<br/>“No, I don’t mind.”<br/>“Did Lexie, I mean, Miss Grey, explain what the interview was for?”<br/>“Yes. To appear in the graduation issue of the student newspaper as I shall confer the degrees at this year’s graduation ceremony.” Oh! This is news to me, and I’m temporarily preoccupied by the thought of someone not much older than me, okay, maybe six years, and okay, mega successful, but still will present me with my degree. I frown, dragging my wayward attention back to the task at hand.<br/>“Good.” I swallow nervously.<br/>“I have some questions, Mr. Shepherd.” I smooth a stray lock of hair behind my ear.<br/>“I thought you might,” he says, deadpan. He’s laughing at me. My cheeks heat at the realization, and I sit up and square my shoulders to look taller and more intimidating. Pressing the start button on the recorder, I try to look professional.<br/>“You’re very young to have amassed such an empire. To what do you owe your success?” I glanced up at him. His smile is rueful, but he looks vaguely disappointed.<br/>“Business is all about people, Miss Grey, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them and how to incontinence them. I use an exceptional team and I reward them well.” He pauses and fixes me with his blue stare.<br/>“My belief is to achieve success in any scheme, one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work hard, very hard to do that. I decide based on logic and facts. I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and outstanding people. The bottom line is, it’s always down to outstanding people.”<br/>“Maybe you’re just lucky.” This isn’t on Lexie’s list, but he’s so arrogant. His eyes flare momentarily in surprise.<br/>“I don’t subscribe to luck or chance, Miss Grey. The harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. It really is all about having the right people on your team and directing their energies accordingly. I think it was Harvey Firestone who said ‘the growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership’.”<br/>“You sound like a control freak.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.<br/>“Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Grey,” he says without a trace of humor in his smile. I look at him, and he holds my gaze steadily, impassively. My heartbeat quickens and my face flushes again. Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming cheerful looks, maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me. The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lips. I wish he’d stop doing that.<br/>“Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things,” he continues, his voice soft.<br/>“Do you feel that you have immense power?” Control Freak.<br/>“I use over forty thousand people, Miss Grey. That gives me a certain sense of responsibility, power, if you will. If I were to decide I was no longer interested in the telecommunication business and sell up, twenty thousand people would struggle to make their mortgage payments after a month.” My mouth drops open. I am staggered by his lack of humility. <br/>“Don’t you have a board to answer to?” I ask, disgusted.<br/>“I own my company. I don’t have to answer a board.” He raises an eyebrow at me. I flush. Oh course, I would know if I had done some research. But holy crap, he’s so arrogant. I changed tack.<br/>“And do you have any interests outside your work?”<br/>“I have varied interests, Miss Grey.” A ghost of a smile touches his lips.<br/>“Very varied.” And I’m confused and heated by his steady gaze. His eyes are alight with some wicked thought.<br/>“But if you work so hard, what do you do to chill out?”<br/>“Chill out?” He smiles, revealing perfect white teeth. I stop breathing. He really is beautiful. No one should be this good-looking.<br/>“Well, to ‘chill out’ I sail, I fly, I indulge in various physical pursuits.” He shifts in his chair.<br/>“I’m a very wealthy man, Miss Grey, and I have expensive and absorbing hobbies.” I glance quickly at Lexie’s questions, wanting to get off this subject.<br/>“You invest in manufacturing. Why specifically?” I ask. Why does he make me so uncomfortable?<br/>“I like to build things. I like to know how things work: what makes things tick, how to construct and deconstruct. And I have a love of ships. What can I say?”<br/>“That sounds like your heart talking rather than logic and facts.” His mouth turns up, and he stares appraising at me.<br/>“Possibly. Though there are people who’d say I don’t have a heart.”<br/>“Why would they say that?”<br/>“Because they know me well.” His lip curls in a wry smile.<br/>“Would your friends say you’re easy to get to know?” And I regret the question as soon as I say it. It’s not on Lexie’s list.<br/>“I’m a very private person, Miss Grey. I go a long way to protect my privacy. I rarely give interviews,” he trails off.<br/>“Why did you agree to do this one?”<br/>“Because I’m a benefactor of the University and for all intents and purposes, I couldn’t get Miss Grey off my back. She badgered and badgered my PR people, and I admire that kind of tenacity.” I know how tenacious Lexie can be. That’s why I’m sitting here squirming uncomfortably under his penetrating gaze, when I should study for my exams.<br/>“You also invest in farming technologies. Why are you interested in this area?”<br/>“We can’t eat money, Miss Grey, and there are too many people on this planet who don’t have enough to eat.”<br/>“That sounds very philanthropic. Is it something you feel passionately about? Feeding the world’s poor?” He shrugs, very non-committal.<br/>“It’s shrewd business,” he murmurs, though I think he’s being disingenuous. It makes little sense, feeding the world’s poor. I can’t see the financial benefits of this, only the virtue of the ideal. I glance at the next question, confused by his attitude.<br/>“Do you have a philosophy? If so, what is it?”<br/>“I don’t have a philosophy. Maybe a guiding principle, Carnegie’s: ‘A man who gains the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which they justly entitle him.’ I’m very singular, driven. I like control of myself and those around me.”<br/>“So you want to possess things?” You are a control freak.<br/>“I want to deserve to possess them, but yes, bottom line, I do.”<br/>“You sound like the ultimate consumer.”<br/>“I am.” He smiles, but the smile doesn’t touch his eyes. Again, this is at odds with someone who wants to feed the world, so I can’t help thinking we’re talking about something else, but I’m absolutely mystified by what it is. I swallow hard. The temperature in the room is rising, or maybe it’s just me. I just want this interview to be over. Surely Lexie has enough material now. I glance at the next question.<br/>“They adopted you. How far do you think that’s shaped the way you are?” Oh, this is personal. I stare at him, hoping he’s not offended. His brow furrows.<br/>“I have no way of knowing.” It piqued my interest.<br/>“How old were you when you were adopted?”<br/>“That’s a matter of public record, Miss Grey.” His tone is stern. I flush, again. Crap. Yes, if I’d known I was doing this interview, I would have done some research. I move on quickly.<br/>“You’ve had to sacrifice a family life for your work.”<br/>“That’s not a question.” He’s terse.<br/>“Sorry.” I squirm, and he’s made me feel like an errant child. I will try again.<br/>“Have you had to sacrifice family life for your work?”<br/>“I have a family. I have a brother and a sister and two loving parents. I’m not interested in extending my family beyond that.”<br/>“Are you gay, Mr. Shepherd?” He inhales sharply and I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out? How can I tell him I’m just reading the questions? Damn Lexie and her curiosity!<br/>“No Meredith, I’m not.” He raises his eyebrows, a cool gleam in his eyes. He doesn’t look pleased.<br/>“I apologize. It’s um... written here.” It’s the first time he’s said my name. My heartbeat has sped up, and my cheeks are heating again. Nervously, I tuck my loosened hair behind my ear. He cocks his head to one side.<br/>“These aren’t your own questions?” The blood drains from my head Oh no.<br/>“Err... no. Lexie, Miss Grey, she compiled the questions.”<br/>“Are you colleagues on the student paper?” Oh crap. I have nothing to do with the student paper. It’s her extracurricular activity, not mine. My face is aflame.<br/>“No. She’s my roommate.” He rubs his chin with deliberation, his blue eyes appraising me.<br/>“Did you volunteer to do this interview?’’ he asks, his voice deadly quiet. Hang on, who’s supposed to be interviewing whom? His eyes burn into me and I’m compelled to answer with the truth.<br/>“They drafted me. She’s not well.” My voice is weak and apologetic.<br/>“That explains an impressive deal.” There’s a knock at the door, and the blonde number two enters.<br/>“Mr. Shepherd, forgive me for interrupting, but your next meeting is in two minutes.”<br/>“We’re not finished here, Arizona. Please cancel my next meeting.” Arizona hesitates, gaping at him. She appears lost. He turns his head slowly to face her and raises his eyebrows. She flushes bright pink. Oh good. It’s not just me.<br/>“Very well, Mr. Shepherd,” she mumbles, then exists. He frowns and turns his attention back to me.<br/>“Where were we, Miss Grey?” Oh, we’re back to ‘Miss Grey,’ now.<br/>“Please don’t let me keep you from anything.”<br/>“I want to know about you. I think that’s only fair.” His blue eyes are alight with curiosity. Double crap. Where’s he going with this? He places his elbows on the arms of the chair and steeples his fingers in front of his mouth. His mouth is very... distracting. I swallow.<br/>“There’s not much to know.” I say, flushing again.<br/>“What are your plans after you graduate?” I shrug, thrown by his interest. Come to Seattle with Lexie, find a place, find a job. I haven’t really thought beyond my finals.<br/>“I have made no plans, Mr. Shepherd. I just need to get through my last exams.” Which I should study for now rather than sitting in your palatial, swanky, sterile office, feeling uncomfortable under your penetrating gaze.<br/>“We run an excellent internship program here,” he mumbles. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. Is he offering me a job?<br/>“Oh. I’ll bear that in mind,” I murmur, completely confused.<br/>“Though I’m not sure I’d fit in here.” Oh, no. I’m musing out loud again.<br/>“Why do you say that?” He cocks his head to one side, intrigued, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.<br/>“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” I’m uncoordinated, scruffy, and I’m not blonde.<br/>“Not to me,” he murmurs. His gaze is intense, all humor strange muscles deep in my belly clench suddenly. I tear my eyes away from his scrutiny and stare blindly down at my knotted fingers. What’s going on I have to go, now. I lean forward to retrieve the recorder.<br/>“Would you like me to show you around?” he asks.<br/>“I’m sure you’re far too busy, Mr. Shepherd, and I have a lengthy drive.”<br/>“You’re driving back to WSU in Vancouver?” He sounds surprised, anxious even. He glances out of the window. It rained.<br/>“Well, you’d better drive carefully.” His tone is stern, authoritative. Why should he care?<br/>“Did you get everything you need?” he adds.<br/>“Yes sir,” I reply, packing the recorder into my satchel. His eyes narrow, speculatively.<br/>“Thank you for the interview, Mr. Shepherd.”<br/>“The pleasure’s been all mine,” he says, polite as ever. As I rise, he stands and holds out his hand.<br/>“Until we meet again, Miss Grey.” And it sounds like a challenge or a threat, I’m not sure which. I frown. When will we ever meet again? I shook his hand once more, astounded that the odd current between us is still there. It must be my nerves.<br/>“Mr. Shepherd.” I nod at him. Moving with little athletic grace to the door, he opens it wide.<br/>“Just ensuring you make it through the door, Miss Grey.” He gives me a slight smile. Obviously, he’s referring to my earlier less than elegant entry into his office. I flush.<br/>“That’s very considerate, Mr. Shepherd,” I snap and his smile widens. I’m glad you find me entertaining, I glower inwardly, walking into the foyer. I’m surprised when he follows me out. Arizona and Isabel both look up, equally surprised.<br/>“Did you have a coat?” Shepherd asks.<br/>“Yes.” Isabel leaps up and retrieves my jacket, which Shepherd takes from her before she can hand it to me. He holds it up and feeling ridiculously self-conscious, I shrug it on. Shepherd places his hands for a moment on my shoulders. I gasp at the contact. If he notices my reaction, he gives nothing away. His long index finger presses the button summoning the elevator, and we stand waiting, awkwardly, coolly self-possessed on him. The doors open, and I hurry in, desperate to escape. I really need to get out of here. When I turn to look at him, he’s leaning against the doorway beside the elevator with one hand on the wall. He really is very, very good-looking. It’s distracting. His burning gray eyes gaze at me.<br/>“Meredith,” he says as a farewell.<br/>“Derek,” I replied. And mercifully, the doors close.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Mr. Shepherd?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My heart is pounding. The elevator arrives on the first floor, and I scramble out as soon as the doors slide open, stumbling once, but fortunately not sprawling on to the immaculate sandstone floor. I race for the wide glass doors, and I'm free in the bracing, cleansing, damp air of Seattle. Raising my face, I welcome the cool refreshing rain. I close my eyes and take a deep, purifying breath, trying to recover what's left of my equilibrium. No man has ever affected me the way Derek Shepherd has, and I cannot fathom why. Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? I don't understand my irrational reaction. I breathe an enormous sigh of relief. What in heaven's name was all about? Leaning against one of the steel pillars of the building, I valiantly attempt to calm down and gather my thoughts. I shake my head. Holy crap, what was that? My heart steadies to its regular rhythm, and I can breathe normally again. I head for the car. As I leave the city limits behind, I felt foolish and embarrassed as I replay the interview in my mind. Surely, I'm overreacting to something that's imaginary. Okay, so he's very attractive, confident, commanding, at ease with himself, but on the flip side, he's arrogant, and for all his impeccable manners, he's autocratic and cold. Well, on the surface. An involuntary shiver runs down my spine. He may be arrogant, but then he has a right to be, he's accomplished so much at such a young age. He doesn't suffer fools gladly, but why should he? Again, I'm irritated that Lexie didn't give me a brief biography. While cruising along the I,5, my mind continues to wander. I'm truly perplexed by what makes someone so driven to succeed. Some of his answers were so cryptic, as if he had a hidden agenda. And Lexie's questions, ugh! The adoption and asking him if he was gay! I shudder. I can't believe I said that. Ground, swallow me up now! Every time I think of that question, I will cringe with embarrassment. Damn Alexandra Grey! I check the speedometer. I'm driving more cautiously than I would on any other occasion. And I know it's the memory of two penetrating gray eyes gazing at me, and a stern voice telling me to drive carefully. Shaking my head, I realize that Shepherd is more like a man double his age. Forget it, Mer, I scold myself. I decide that it's been a very interesting experience, but I shouldn't dwell on it. Put it behind you. I never have to see him again. I'm immediately cheered by the thought. I switch on the MP3 player and turn the volume up loud, sit back, and listen to thumping indie rock music as I press down on the accelerator. As I hit the 1,5, I realize I can drive as fast as I want. We live in a small community of duplex apartments in Vancouver, Washington, close to the Vancouver campus of WSU. I'm lucky, Lexie's parents bought the place for her, and I pay peanuts for rent. It's been home for four years now. As I pull up outside, I know Lexie is going to want a blow,by,blow account, and she is tenacious. Well, at least she has the mini,disc. Hopefully I won't have to elaborate much beyond what was said during the interview.<br/>"Mer! You're back." Lexie sits in our living area, surrounded by books. She's been studying for finals, though she's still in her pink flannel pajamas decorated with cute little rabbits, the ones she reserves for the aftermath of breaking up with boyfriends, for assorted illnesses, and for general moody depression. She bounds up to me and hugs me hard.<br/>"I was worrying. I expected you back sooner."<br/>"Oh, I thought I made wonderful time considering the interview ran over." I wave the mini disc recorder at her.<br/>"Mer, thank you so much for doing this. I owe you, I know. How was it? What was he like?" Oh no, here we go, the Alexandra Grey Inquisition. I struggle to answer her question. What can I say?<br/>"I'm glad it's over, and I don't have to see him again. He was rather intimidating, you know." I shrug.<br/>"He's very focused, intense even, and young. Young." Lexie gazes innocently at me. I frown at her.<br/>"Don't you look so innocent. Why didn't you give me a biography? He made me feel like such an idiot for skimping on basic research." Lexie clamps a hand to her mouth.<br/>"Jeez, Mer, I'm sorry, I didn't think." I huff.<br/>"Mostly he was courteous, formal, slightly stuffy, like he's old before his time. He doesn't talk like a man of twenty something. How old is he anyway?"<br/>"Twenty-seven. Jeez, Mer, I'm sorry. I should have briefed you, but I was in such a panic. Let me have the mini disc, and I'll start transcribing the interview."<br/>"You look better. Did you eat your soup?" I ask, keen to change the subject.<br/>"Yes, and it was delicious as usual. I'm feeling much better." She smiles at me in gratitude. I check my watch.<br/>"I have to run. I can still make my shift at Clayton's."<br/>"Mer, you'll be exhausted."<br/>"I'll be fine. I'll see you later." I've worked at Clayton's since I started at WSU. It's the largest independent hardware store in the Portland area, and over the four years I've worked here, I know a bit about most everything we sell, although ironically, I'm crap at any DIY. I leave all that to my dad. I'm much more of a curl-up-with-a-book-in-a-comfy-chair, by-the-fire kind of girl. I'm glad I can make my shift as it gives me something to focus on that isn't Derek Shepherd. We're busy, it's the start of summer, and folks are redecorating their homes. Mrs. Clayton is pleased to see me.<br/>"Mer! I thought you would not make it today."<br/>"My appointment didn't take as long as I thought. I can do two hours."<br/>"I'm really pleased to see you." She sends me to the storeroom to restock shelves, and I'm soon absorbed in the task. When I arrive home later, Alexandra is wearing headphones and working on her laptop. Her nose is still pink, but she has her teeth into a story, so she's concentrating and typing furiously. I'm thoroughly drained, exhausted by the lengthy drive, the grueling interview, and by being rushed off my feet at Clayton's. I slump on to the couch, thinking about the essay I have to finish and all the studying I haven't done today because they hold me up with... him.<br/>"You've got some quality stuff here, Mer. Well done. I can't believe you didn't take him up on his offer to show you around. He wanted to spend more time with you." She gives me a fleeting, quizzical look. I flush, and my heart rate inexplicably increases. That wasn't the reason, surely. He just wanted to show me around so I could see that he was lord of all he surveyed. I realize I'm biting my lip, and I hope Lexie doesn't notice. But she seems absorbed in her transcription.<br/>"I hear what you mean about formal. Did you take any notes?" she asks.<br/>"Um... no, I didn't."<br/>"That's fine. I can still make a fine article with this. Shame we don't have some original stills. good-looking son of a bitch, isn't he?" I flush.<br/>"I suppose so." I try hard to sound disinterested, and I think I succeed.<br/>"Oh, come on, Mer, even you can't be immune to his looks." She arches a perfect eyebrow at me. Crap! I distract her with flattery, always a good ploy.<br/>"You probably would have got a lot more out of him."<br/>"I doubt that, Mer. Come on, he practically offered you a job. Given that I foisted this on you at the last minute, you did very well." She glances up at me speculatively. I make a hasty retreat into the kitchen.<br/>"So what did you really think of him?" Damn, she's inquisitive. Why can't she just let this go? Think of something quick.<br/>"He's very driven, controlling, arrogant, scary really, but very charismatic. I can understand the fascination," I add truthfully, as I peer round the door at her hoping this will shut her up once and for all.<br/>"You, fascinated by a man. That's a first," she snorts. I gather the makings of a sandwich so she can't see my face.<br/>"Why did you want to know if he was gay? Incidentally, that was the most embarrassing question. I was mortified, and I pissed him to be asked too." I scowl at the memory.<br/>"Whenever he's in the society pages, he never has a date."<br/>"It was embarrassing. The complete thing was embarrassing. I'm glad I'll never have to lay eyes on him again."<br/>"Oh, Mer, it can't have been that bad. I think he sounds quite taken with you." Taken with me Now Lexie's being ridiculous.<br/>"Would you like a sandwich?"<br/>"Please." We talk no more of Derek Shepherd that evening, much to my relief. Once we've eaten, I'm able to sit at the dining table with Lexie and, while she works on her article, I work on my essay on Tess of the D'Urbervilles. Damn, but that woman was in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong century. By the time I finish, it's midnight, and Lexie has long since gone to bed. I make my way to my room, exhausted, but pleased that I've accomplished so much for a Monday. I curl up in my white iron bed, wrapping my mother's quilt around me, close my eyes, and I'm instantly asleep. That night I dream of black places, bleak white icy floors, and gray eyes. For the rest of the week, I throw myself into my studies and my job at Clayton's. Lexie is busy too, compiling her last edition of her student magazine before she has to relinquish it to the new editor while also cramming for her finals. By Wednesday, she's much better, and I no longer have to endure the sight of her pink flannel with too many rabbits PJs. I call my mom in Georgia to check on her, but also so she can wish me luck for my last exams. She tells me about her latest venture into candle making. My mother is all about new business ventures. She's bored and wants something to occupy her time, but she has the attention span of a goldfish. It'll be something new next week. She worries me. I hope she hasn't mortgaged the house to finance this latest scheme. And I hope that Bob, her relatively new but much older husband, is monitoring her now that I'm no longer there. He does seem a lot more grounded than Husband Number Three.<br/>"How are things with you, Mer?" For a moment, I hesitate, and I have Mom's full attention.<br/>"I'm fine."<br/>"Mer. Have you met someone?" Wow... how does she do that? The excitement in her voice is palpable.<br/>"No, Mom, it's nothing. You'll be the first to know if I do."<br/>"Mer, you really need to get out more, honey. You worry about me."<br/>"Mom, I'm fine. How's Bob?" As ever, distraction is the best policy. Later that evening, I call Ray, my stepdad, Mom's Husband Number Two, the man I consider my father, and the man whose name I bear. It's a brief conversation. In fact, it's not so much a conversation as an one-sided series of grunts in response to my gentle coaxing. Ray is not a talker. But he's still alive, he's still watching soccer on TV, and going bowling and fly-fishing or making furniture when he's not. Ray is a skilled carpenter and the reason I know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw. All seems well with him. Friday night, Lexie and I are debating what to do with our evening. We want some time out from our studies, from our work, and from student newspapers, when the doorbell rings. Standing on our doorstep is my excellent friend George, clutching a bottle of champagne.<br/>"George! Great to see you!" I give him a quick hug.<br/>"Come in." Gorge is the first person I met when I arrived at WSU, looking as lost and lonely as I did. We recognized a kindred spirit in each of us that day, and we've been friends ever since.<br/>Not only do we share a sense of humor, but we discovered that both Ray and George Senior were in the same army unit together. As a result, our fathers have become firm friends too. George is studying engineering and is the first in his family to make it to college. He's damn bright, but his genuine passion is photography. George has an expert eye for an excellent picture.<br/>"I have news." He grins, his black eyes twinkling.<br/>"Don't tell me, you've managed not to get kicked out for another week," I tease, and he scowls playfully at me.<br/>"The Portland Place Gallery will exhibit my photos next month."<br/>"That's amazing, congratulations!" Delighted for him, I hug him again. Lexie beams at him too.<br/>"Way to go, George! I should put this in the paper. Nothing like last-minute editorial changes on a Friday evening." She grins.<br/>"Let's celebrate. I want you to come to the opening." George gazes at me. I flush.<br/>"Both of you," he adds, glancing nervously at Lexie. George and I are wonderful friends, but I know deep down inside, he'd like to be more. He's cute and funny, but he's just not for me. He's more like the brother I never had. Alexandra often teases me I'm missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but I just have met no one who... well, whom I'm attracted to, even though part of me longs for those trembling knees, heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies in my belly, sleepless nights. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high. But in reality, nobody's ever made me feel like that. Until recently, the unwelcome, still small voice of my subconscious whispers.<br/>NO! I banish the thought immediately. I am not going there, not after that painful interview. Are you gay, Mr. Shepherd? I wince at the memory. I know I've dreamt about him most nights since then, but that's just to purge the awful experience from my system, surely? I watch George open the bottle of champagne. He's tall, and in his jeans and T-shirt he's all shoulders and muscles, tanned skin, black hair and burning black eyes. Yes, George's hot, but I think he's finally getting the message: we're just friends. The cork makes its loud pop, and George looks up and smiles. Saturday at the store is a nightmare. We are besieged by do-it-yourselves wanting to spruce up their homes. Mr. and Mrs. Clayton, John and Patrick, the two other part-timers, and I are all rushed off our feet. But there's a lull around lunchtime, and Mrs. Clayton asks me to check on some orders while I'm sitting behind the counter at the till discreetly eating my bagel. I'm engrossed in the task, checking catalogue numbers against the items we need and the items we've ordered, eyes flicking from the order book to the computer screen and back as I check the entries match. Then I glance up... and find myself locked in the bold gray gaze of Derek Shepherd, who's standing at the counter, staring at me intently. Heart failure.<br/>"Miss Grey. What a pleasant surprise." His gaze is unwavering. Holy crap. What the hell is he doing here looking all tousled-hair and outdoorsy in his cream chunky-knit sweater, jeans, and walking boots. I think my mouth has popped open, and I can't locate my brain or my voice.<br/>"Mr. Shepherd," I whisper, because that's all I can manage. There's a ghost of a smile on his lips and his eyes are alight with humor, as if he's enjoying some private joke.<br/>"I was in the area," he says by explanation.<br/>"I need to stock up on a few things. It's a pleasure to see you again, Miss Grey." His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something. I shake my head to gather my senses. My heart is pounding a frantic tattoo, and I'm blushing furiously under his steady scrutiny. I am utterly thrown by the sight of him standing before me. My memories of him did not do him justice. He's not merely good-looking, he's the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking, and he's here. Here in Clayton's Hardware Store. Go figure. Finally, my cognitive functions are restored and reconnected with the rest of my body.<br/>"Mer. My name's Mer," I mumble.<br/>"What can I help you with, Mr. Shepherd?" He smiles, and again it's like he's privy to some big secret. It is so disconcerting. Taking a deep breath, I put on my professional I've-worked in-this-shop-for-years facade. I can do this.<br/>"There are a few items I need. I'd like some cable ties," he murmurs, his gray eyes cool but amused. Cable ties?<br/>"We stock various lengths. Shall I show you?" I mumble, my voice soft and Waverly. Get a grip, Grey. A slight frown mars Shepherd's rather lovely brow.<br/>"Please. Lead the way, Miss Grey," he says. I try for nonchalance as I come out from behind the counter, but really I'm concentrating hard on not falling over my own feet. My legs are suddenly the consistency of Jello. I'm so glad I wore my best jeans this morning.<br/>"They're in with the electrical goods, aisle eight." My voice is a little too bright. I glance up at him and regret it almost immediately. Damn, he's handsome. I blush.<br/>"After you," he murmurs, gesturing with his long-fingered, beautifully manicured hand. With my heart almost strangling me, because it's in my throat trying to escape from my mouth, I head down one aisle to the electrical section. Why is he in Portland? Why is he here at Clayton's? And from a very tiny, under-used part of my brain, probably at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells, comes the thought: he's here to see you. No way! I dismissed it immediately. Why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me? The idea is preposterous, and I kick it out of my head.<br/>"Are you in Portland on business?" I ask, and my voice is too high, like I've got my finger trapped in a door or something. Damn! Try to be cool, Mer!<br/>"I was visiting the WSU farming division. It's based in Vancouver. I'm funding some research there in crop rotation and soil science," he says matter-of-factly. See? Not here to find you at all. My subconscious sneers at me, loud, proud, and pouty. I flush at my foolish wayward thoughts.<br/>"All part of your fortieth world plan?" I tease.<br/>"Something like that," he acknowledges, and his lips turn up in a half smile. He gazes at the selection of cable ties we stock at Clayton's. What on Earth is he going to do with those? I cannot picture him as a do-it-yourself at all. His fingers trail across the various packages displayed, and for some inexplicable reason, I have to look away. He bends and selects a packet.<br/>"These will do," he says with his oh, so secret smile, and I blush.<br/>"Is there anything else?"<br/>"I'd like some masking tape." Masking tape?<br/>"Are you redecorating?" The words are out before I can stop them. Surely he hires laborers or has staff to help him decorate?<br/>"No, not redecorating," he blurts, then smirks, and I have the uncanny feeling that he's laughing at me. Am I that funny? Funny looking?<br/>"This way," I murmur, embarrassed.<br/>"Masking tape is in the decorating aisle." I glance behind me as he follows.<br/>"Have you worked here long?" His voice is gloomy, and he's gazing at me, gray eyes concentrating hard. I blush even more brightly. Why the hell does he have this effect on me? I feel like I'm fourteen years old, gauche, as always, and out of place. Eyes front, Grey!<br/>"Four years," I mumble as we reach our goal. To distract myself, I reach down and select the two widths of masking tape that we stock.<br/>"I'll take that one," Shepherd whispers, pointing to the wider tape, which I pass to him. Our fingers brush briefly, and the current is there again, zapping through me like I've touched an exposed wire. I gasp involuntarily as I feel it, to somewhere dark and unexplored, deep in my belly. Desperately, I scrabble around for my equilibrium.<br/>"Anything else?" My voice is husky and breathy. His eyes widened slightly.<br/>"Some rope, I think." His voice mirrors mine, husky.<br/>"This way." I duck my head down to hide my recurring blush and head for the aisle.<br/>"What sort were you after? We have synthetic and natural filament rope... twine... cable cord... "I halt at his expression, his eyes darkening. Holy cow.<br/>"I'll take five yards of the natural filament rope, please." Quickly, with trembling fingers, I measure out five yards against the fixed ruler, aware that his hot gray gaze is on me. I dare not look at him. Jeez, could I feel any more self-conscious? Taking my Stanley knife from the back pocket of my jeans, I cut it then coil it neatly before tying it in a slipknot. By some miracle, I manage not to remove a finger with my knife.<br/>"Were you a Girl Scout?" he asks, sculptured, sensual lips curled in amusement. Don't look at his mouth!<br/>"Organized, group activities aren't really my thing, Mr. Shepherd." He arches a brow.<br/>"What is your thing, Meredith?" he asks, his voice soft and his secret smile is back. I gaze at him, unable to express myself. I'm on shifting tectonic plates. Try to be cool, Mer, my tortured subconscious begs on bended knee.<br/>"Books," I whisper, but inside, my subconscious is screaming: You! You are my thing! I slap it down instantly, mortified that my psyche is having ideas above its station.<br/>"What books?" He cocks his head to one side. Why is he so interested?<br/>"Oh, you know. The usual. The classics. British literature, mainly." He rubs his chin with his long index finger and thumb as he contemplates my answer. Or perhaps he's just very bored and trying to hide it.<br/>"Anything else you need?" I have to get off this subject. Those fingers on that face are so beguiling.<br/>"I don't know. What else would you recommend?" What would I recommend? I don't even know what you're doing?<br/>"For a do-it-yourself?" He nods, gray eyes alive with wicked humor. I flush, and my eyes stray of their own accord to his snug jeans.<br/>"Coveralls," I reply, and I know I'm no longer screening what's coming out of my mouth. He raises an eyebrow, amused yet again.<br/>"You wouldn't want to ruin your clothing," I gesture vaguely toward his jeans.<br/>"I could always take them off." He smirks.<br/>"Um." I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of the communist manifesto. Stop talking. Stop talking NOW.<br/>"I'll take some coveralls. Heaven forbid I should ruin any clothing," he says dryly. I try to dismiss the unwelcome image of him without means.<br/>"Do you need anything else?" I squeak as I hand him the blue coveralls. He ignores my inquiry.<br/>"How's the article coming along?" He's finally asked me a normal question, away from all the innuendo and the confusing double talk... a question I can answer. I grip it with two hands as if it were a life raft, and I go for honesty.<br/>"I'm not writing it, Alexandra is. Miss Grey. My roommate, she's the writer. She's thrilled with it. She's the editor of the magazine, and it devastated her that she couldn't do the interview in person." I feel like I've come up for air. At last, a normal topic of conversation.<br/>"Her only concern is that she doesn't have any original photographs of you." Grey raises an eyebrow.<br/>"What sort of photographs does she want?" Okay. I hadn't factored in this response. I shake my head, because I just don't know.<br/>"Well, I'm around. Tomorrow, perhaps... "he trails off.<br/>"You'd be willing to attend a photo shoot?" My voice is squeaky again. Lexie will be in seventh heaven if I can pull this off. And you might see him again tomorrow. That black place at the base of my brain whispers seductively at me. I dismiss the thought of all the ridiculous...<br/>"Lexie will be delighted if we can find a photographer." I'm so pleased, I smile at him broadly. His lips part, like he's taking a sharp intake of breath, and he blinks. For a fraction of a second, he looks lost somehow, and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic plates sliding into a new position. Oh, my. Derek Shepherd's lost look.<br/>"Let me know about tomorrow." Reaching into his back pocket, he pulls out his wallet.<br/>"My card. It has my cell number on it. You must call before ten in the morning."<br/>"Okay." I grin up at him. It will thrill Lexie.<br/>"MER!" Finn has materialized at the other end of the aisle. He's Mr. Clayton's youngest brother. I'd heard he was home from Princeton, but I wasn't expecting to see him today.<br/>"Er, excuse me for a moment, Mr. Shepherd." Shepherd frowns as I turn away from him. Finn has always been a buddy, and in this strange moment that I'm having with the rich, powerful, awesomely off-the-scale attractive control freak Shepherd, it's great to talk to someone who's normal. Finn hugs me hard, taking me by surprise.<br/>"Mer, hi, it's so good to see you!" he gushes.<br/>"Hello Finn, how are you? You home for your brother's birthday?"<br/>"Yep. You're looking well, Mer, really well." He grins as he examines me at arm's length. Then he releases me but keeps a possessive arm draped over my shoulder. I shuffle from foot to foot, embarrassed. It's good to see Finn, but he's always been overfamiliar. When I glance up at Derek Shepherd, he's watching us like a hawk, his gray eyes hooded and speculative, his mouth a hard, impassive line. He's changed from the weirdly attentive customer to someone else, someone distant.<br/>"Finn, I'm with a customer. Someone you should meet," I say, trying to defuse the antagonism I see in Shepherd's eyes. I drag Finn over to meet him, and they weigh each other up. The atmosphere is suddenly arctic.<br/>"Er, Finn, this is Derek Shepherd. Mr. Shepherd, this is Finn Clayton. His brother owns the place." And for some irrational reason, I feel I have to explain more.<br/>"I've known Finn ever since I've worked here, though we don't see each other that often. He's back from Princeton, where he's studying business administration." I'm babbling... Stop, now!<br/>"Mr. Clayton." Shepherd holds his hand out, his look unreadable.<br/>"Mr. Shepherd," Finn returns his handshake.<br/>"Wait up, not the Derek Shepherd Of Shepherd Enterprises Holdings?" Finn goes from surly to awestruck in less than a nanosecond. Shepherd gives him a polite smile that doesn't reach his eyes.<br/>"Wow, is there anything I can get you?"<br/>"Meredith has it covered, Mr. Clayton. She's been very attentive." His expression is impassive, but his words... it's like he's saying something else entirely. It's baffling.<br/>"Cool," Finn responds.<br/>"Catch you later, Mer."<br/>"Sure, Finn." I watch him disappear toward the stockroom.<br/>"Anything else, Mr. Shepherd?"<br/>"Just these items." His tone is clipped and cool. Damn... have I offended him? Taking a deep breath, I turn and head for the till. What is his problem? I ring up the rope, coveralls, masking tape, and cable ties at the till.<br/>"That will be forty-three dollars, please." I glance up at Shepherd, and I wish I hadn't. He's watching me closely, his gray eyes intense and smoky. It's unnerving.<br/>"Would you like a bag?" I ask as I take his credit card.<br/>"Please, Meredith." His tongue caresses my name, and my heart once again is frantic. I can hardly breathe. Hurriedly, I place his purchases in a plastic carrier.<br/>"You'll call me if you want me to do the photo shoot?" He's all business once more. I nod, rendered speechless yet again, and hand back his credit card.<br/>"Good. Until tomorrow, perhaps." He turns to leave, then pauses.<br/>"Oh, and Meredith, I'm glad Miss Grey couldn't do the interview." He smiles, then strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones. I spend several minutes staring at the closed door through which he's just left before I return to planet Earth. Okay, I like him. There, I've admitted it to myself. I cannot hide from my feelings anymore. I've never felt like this before. I find him attractive, very attractive. But it's a lost cause, I know, and I sigh with bittersweet regret. It was just a coincidence, his coming here. But even so, I can admire him from afar, surely. No harm can come of that. And if I find a photographer, I can do some serious admiring tomorrow. I bite my lip in anticipation and grin like a schoolgirl. I need to phone Lexie and organize a photoshoot.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Photoshoot</h2></a>
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    <p>Lexie is ecstatic.<br/>“But what was he doing at Clayton’s?” Her curiosity oozes through the phone. I’m in the depths of the stockroom, trying to keep my voice casual.<br/>“He was in the area.”<br/>“I think that is one enormous coincidence, Mer. You don’t think he was there to see you?”<br/>She speculates. My heart lurches at the prospect, but it’s a short-lived joy. The dull, disappointing reality is that he was here on business.<br/>“He was visiting the farming division of WSU. He’s funding some research,” I mumble.<br/>“Oh yes. He’s given the department a $2.5 million grant.” Wow.<br/>“How do you know this?”<br/>“Mer, I’m a journalist, and I’ve written a profile on the guy. It’s my job to know this.”<br/>“Okay, Carla Bernstein, keep your hair on. So do you want these photos?”<br/>“I do. The question is, who will do them and where.”<br/>“We could ask him where. He says he’s staying in the area.”<br/>“You can contact him?”<br/>“I have his cell phone number.” Lexie gasps.<br/>“The richest, most elusive, most enigmatic bachelor in Washington State, just gave you his cell phone number.”<br/>“Er... yes.”<br/>“Mer! He likes you. No doubt about it.” Her tone is emphatic.<br/>“Lexie, he’s just trying to be nice.” But even as I say the words, I know they’re not true. Derek Shepherd doesn’t do nice. He is polite, maybe. And a small quiet voice whispers, perhaps Lexie is right. My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might like me. He said he was glad Lexie didn’t do the interview. I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me for one moment. Lexie brings me back to the now.<br/>“I don’t know who we’ll get to do the shoot. Levi, our regular photographer, can’t. He’s home in Idaho Falls for the weekend. He’ll be pissed that he blew an opportunity to photo one of America’s leading entrepreneurs.”<br/>“Hmm... What about George?”<br/>“Magnificent idea! You ask him, he’ll do anything for you. Then call Shepherd and find out where he wants us.” Lexie is irritatingly cavalier about George.<br/>“I think you should call him.”<br/>“Who, George?” Lexie scoffs.<br/>“No, Shepherd.”<br/>“Mer, you’re the one with the relationship.”<br/>“Relationship?” I squeak at her, my voice rising several octaves. <br/>“I barely know the guy.”<br/>“At least you’ve met him,” she says bitterly. <br/>“And it looks like he wants to know you better. Mer, just call him,” she snaps and hangs up. She is so bossy sometimes. I frown at my cell, sticking my tongue out at it. I’m just leaving a message for George when Finn enters the stock room looking for sandpaper.<br/>“We’re kind of busy out there, Mer,” he says without acrimony.<br/>“Yeah, um, sorry,” I mumble, turning to leave.<br/>“So, how come you know Derek Shepherd?” Finn’s voice is unconvincingly nonchalant.<br/>“I had to interview him for our student newspaper. Lexie wasn’t well.” I shrug, trying to sound casual and doing no better than him.<br/>“Derek Shepherd in Clayton’s. Go figure,” Finn snorts, amazed. He shakes his head as if to clear it. <br/>“Anyway, want to grab a drink or something this evening?” Whenever he’s home, he asks me on a date, and I always say no. It’s a ritual. I’ve never considered it a wonderful idea to date the boss’s brother, and besides, Finn is cute in a wholesome all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination. Is Grey? My subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised. I slap her down.<br/>“Don’t you have a family dinner or something for your brother?”<br/>“That’s tomorrow.”<br/>“Maybe some other time, Finn. I need to study tonight. I have my finals next week.”<br/>“Mer, one of these days, you’ll say yes,” he smiles as I escape out to the store floor.<br/>“But I do places, Mer, not people,” George groans.<br/>“George, please?” I beg. Clutching my cell, I pace the living area of our apartment, staring out of the window at the fading evening light.<br/>“Give me that phone.” Lexie grabs the handset from me, tossing her silken red-blonde hair over her shoulder.<br/>“Listen here, George O’Malley, if you want our newspaper to cover the opening of your show, you’ll do this shoot for us tomorrow, capiche?” Lexie can be awesomely tough.<br/>“Good. Mer will call back with the location and the call time. We’ll see you tomorrow.” She snaps my cell phone shut.<br/>“Sorted. I decide all us need to do now, where and when. Call him.” She holds the phone out to me. My stomach twists.<br/>“Call Shepherd, now!” I scowl at her and reach into my back pocket for his business card. I take a deep, steadying breath, and with shaking fingers, I dial the number. He answers on the second ring. His tone is clipped, calm and cold.<br/>“Shepherd.”<br/>“Err... Mr. Shepherd? It’s Meredith Grey.” I don’t recognize my voice, I’m so nervous. There’s a brief pause. Inside, I’m quaking. <br/>“Miss Grey. How nice to hear from you.” His voice has changed. He’s surprise, and he sounds so... warm, seductive even. My breath hitches, and I flush. Again suddenly that Lexie Grey is staring at me, her mouth open, and I dart into the kitchen to avoid her unwanted scrutiny.<br/>“Err, we’d like to go ahead with the photoshoot for the article.” Breathe, Mer, breathe. My lungs drag in a hasty breath. <br/>“Tomorrow, if that’s okay. Where would be convenient for you, sir?” I can almost hear his sphinxlike smile through the phone.<br/>“I’m staying at the Heathman in Portland. Shall we say, nine thirty tomorrow morning?”<br/>“Okay, we’ll see you there.” I am all gushing and breathy, like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the State of Washington.<br/>“I look forward to it, Miss Grey.” I visualize the wicked gleam in his gray eyes. How can he make seven brief words hold so much tantalizing promise I hang up? Lexie is in the kitchen, and she’s staring at me with a look of complete and utter consternation on her face.<br/>“Meredith Elizabeth Grey. You like him! I’ve never seen or heard you so, so... affected by anyone before. You’re blushing.”<br/>“Oh Lexie, you know I blush all the time. It’s an occupational hazard with me. Don’t be so ridiculous,” I snap. She blinks at me with surprise, I rarely throw my toys out of the pram, and I briefly relent. <br/>“I just find him... intimidating, that’s all.”<br/>“Heathman, that figures,” mumbles Lexie. <br/>“I’ll give the manager a call and negotiate a space for the shoot.”<br/>“I’ll make supper. Then I need to study.” I cannot hide my irritation with her as I open one cupboard to make supper. I am restless that night, tossing and turning. Dreaming of smoky gray eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places. I wake twice in the night, my heart pounding. Oh, I will look just great tomorrow with so little sleep, I scold myself. I punch my pillow and try to settle. They nestle the Heathman in the downtown heart of Portland. They completed its impressive brown stone edifice just in time for the crash of the late 1920s. George, Travis, and I are traveling in my Beetle, and Lexie is in her CLK, since we can’t all fit in my car. Travis is George’s friend and gopher, here to help with the lighting. Lexie has gained the use of a room at the Heathman free for the morning for a credit in the article. When she explains at reception that we’re here to photograph Derek Shepherd CEO, we are instantly upgraded to a suite. Just a regular-sized suite, however, as apparently Mr. Shepherd is already occupying the largest one in the building. An over-keen marketing executive shows us up to the suite, he’s young and very nervous. I suspect it’s Lexie’s beauty and commanding manner that disarms him, because he’s putty in her hands. The rooms are elegant, understated, and opulently furnished. It’s nine. We have half an hour to set up. Lexie is in full flow.<br/>“George, I think we’ll shoot against that wall, do you agree?” She doesn’t wait for his reply. <br/>“Travis, clear the chairs. Mer, could you ask housekeeping to bring up some refreshments? And let Shepherd know where we are.” Yes, Mistress. She is so domineering. I roll my eyes, but do as I’m told. Half an hour later, Derek Shepherd walks into our suite. Holy Crap! He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and grey flannel pants that hang from his hips. His unruly hair is still damp from a shower. My mouth goes dry looking at him... he’s so freaking hot. Shepherd is followed into the suite by a man in his mid-thirties, all buzz-cut and stubble in a sharp black suit and tie who stands silently in the corner. His hazel eyes watch us impassively.<br/>“Miss Grey, we meet again.” Shepherd extends his hand, and I shake it, blinking rapidly. Oh, my... he really is quite... wow. As I touch his hand, I’m aware of that delicious current running right through me, lighting me up, making me blush, and I’m sure my erratic breathing must be audible.<br/>“Mr. Shepherd, this is Alexandra Grey,” I mumble, waving a hand toward Lexie who comes forward, looking him squarely in the eye.<br/>“The tenacious Miss Grey. How do you do?” He gives her a slight smile, looking genuinely amused. <br/>“I trust you’re feeling better. Meredith said you were unwell last week.”<br/>“I’m fine, thank you, Mr. Shepherd.” She shakes his hand firmly without batting an eyelid. I remind myself that Lexie has been to the best private schools in Washington. Her family has money, and she’s grown up confident of her place in the world. She doesn’t take any crap. I am in awe of her.<br/>“Thank you for taking the time to do this.” She gives him a polite, professional smile.<br/>“It’s a pleasure,” he answers, turning his gray gaze on me, and I flush, again. Damn it.<br/>“This is George O’Malley, our photographer,” I say, grinning at George who smiles with affection back at me. His eyes cool when he looks from me to Shepherd.<br/>“Mr. Shepherd,” he nods.<br/>“Mr. O’Malley,” Shepherd’s expression changes too as he appraises George.<br/>“Where would you like me?” Shepherd asks him. His tone sounds vaguely threatening. But Alexandra is not about to let George run the show.<br/>“Mr. Shepherd, if you could sit here, please. Be careful of the lighting cables. And then we’ll do a few standing, too.” She directs him to a chair set up against the wall. Travis switches on the lights, momentarily blinding Shepherd, and mumbles an apology. Then Travis and I stand back and watch as George snaps away. He takes several photographs hand-held, asking Shepherd to turn this way, then that, to move his arm, then put it down again. Moving to the tripod, George takes several more, while Shepherd sits and poses, patiently and naturally, for about twenty minutes. My wish has come true: I can stand and admire Shepherd from not-so-afar. Twice our eyes lock, and I have to tear myself away from his cloudy gaze.<br/>“Enough sitting.” Alexandra wades in again. <br/>“Standing, Mr. Shepherd?” she asks. He stands, and Travis scurries in to remove the chair. The shutter on George’s Nikon clicks again.<br/>“I think we have enough,” George announces five minutes later.<br/>“Great,” says Lexie. <br/>“Thank you again, Mr. Shepherd.” She shakes his hand, as does Jose.<br/>“I look forward to reading the article, Miss Grey,” murmurs Shepherd, and turns to me, standing by the door. <br/>“Will you walk with me, Miss Grey?” he asks.<br/>“Sure,” I say, completely thrown. I glance anxiously at Lexie, who shrugs at me. I notice George scowling behind her.<br/>“Wonderful day to you all,” says Shepherd as he opens the door, standing aside to allow me out first.<br/>Holy hell... what’s this about? What does he want? I pause in the hotel corridor, fidgeting nervously as Shepherd emerges from the room followed by Mr. Buzz-Cut in his sharp suit.<br/>“I’ll call you, Karev,” he murmurs to Buzz-Cut. Karev wanders back down the corridor, and Grey turns his burning gray gaze to me. Crap... have I done something wrong?<br/>“I wondered if you would join me for coffee this morning.” My heart slams into my mouth. A date? Derek Shepherd is asking me on a date. He’s asking if you want a coffee. Maybe he thinks you haven’t woken up yet. My subconscious whines at me in a sneering mood again. I clear my throat, trying to control my nerves.<br/>“I have to drive everyone home,” I murmur apologetically, twisting my hands and fingers in front of me.<br/>“KAREV,” he calls, making me jump. Karev, who had been retreating down the corridor, turns and heads back toward us.<br/>“Are they based at the university?” Shepherd asks, his voice soft and inquiring. I nod, too stunned to speak.<br/>“Karev can take them. He’s my driver. We have a large 4x4 here, so he’ll be able to take the equipment too.”<br/>“Mr. Shepherd?” Karev asks when he reaches us, giving nothing away.<br/>“Please, can you drive the photographer, his assistant, and Miss Grey back home?”<br/>“Sir,” Karev replies.<br/>“There. Now can you join me for coffee?” Shepherd smiles as if it’s a done deal.<br/>I frown at him.<br/>“Um, Mr. Shepherd, err, this really... look, Karev doesn’t have to drive them home.” I flash a brief look at Taylor, who remains stoically impassive. <br/>“I’ll swap vehicles with Lexie, if you give me a moment.” Shepherd smiles a dazzling, unguarded, natural, all-teeth-showing, glorious smile. Oh, my... and he opens the door of the suite so I can re-enter. I scoot around him to enter the room, finding Alexandra in deep discussion with George.<br/>“Mer, I think he definitely likes you,” she says with no preamble. George glares at me with disapproval. <br/>“But I don’t trust him,” she adds. I raise my hand up, hoping she’ll stop talking. By some miracle, she does.<br/>“Lexie, if you take the Beetle, can I take your car?”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“Derek Shepherd has asked me to go for coffee with him.” Her mouth pops open. Speechless Lexie! I savor the moment. She grabs me by my arm and drags me into the bedroom that’s off the living area of the suite.<br/>“Mer, there’s something about him.” Her tone is full of warning. <br/>“He’s gorgeous, I agree, but I think he’s dangerous. Especially to someone like you.”<br/>“What do you mean, someone like me?” I demand, affronted.<br/>“An innocent like you, Mer. You know what I mean,” she says, a little irritated. I flush.<br/>“Lexie, it’s just coffee. I’m starting my exams this week, and I need to study, so I won’t be long.”<br/>She purses her lips as if considering my request. Finally, she fishes her car keys out of her pocket and hands them to me. I hand her mine.<br/>“I’ll see you later. Don’t be long, or I’ll send out search and rescue.”<br/>“Thanks.” I hug her. I emerge from the suite to find Derek Shepherd waiting, leaning up against the wall, looking like a male model in a pose for some glossy high-end magazine.<br/>“Okay, let’s do coffee,” I murmur, flushing a beet red. He grins.<br/>“After you, Miss Grey.” He stands up straight, holding his hand out for me to go first. I make my way down the corridor, my knees shaky, my stomach full of butterflies, and my heart in my mouth thumping a dramatic uneven beat. I will have coffee with Derek Shepherd... and I hate coffee. We walk together down the wide hotel corridor to the elevators. What should I say to him? My mind is suddenly paralyzed with apprehension. What are we going to talk about? What on Earth do I have in common with him? His soft, warm voice startles me from my reverie.<br/>“How long have you known Alexandra Grey?” Oh, simple questions for starters.<br/>“Since our freshman year. She’s a wonderful sister.”<br/>“Hmm,” he replies, non-committal. What is he thinking? At the elevators, he presses the call button, and the bell rings almost immediately. The doors slide open, revealing a young couple in a passionate clinch inside. Surprised and embarrassed, they jump apart, staring guiltily in every direction but ours. Shepherd and I step into the elevator. I am struggling to maintain a straight face, so I gaze down at the floor, feeling my cheeks turning pink. When I peek up at Shepherd through my lashes, he has a hint of a smile on his lips, but it’s very hard to tell. The young couple says nothing, and we travel down to the first floor in embarrassed silence. We don’t even have trashy piped music to distract us. The doors open and, much to my surprise, Shepherd takes my hand, clasping it with his long cool fingers. I feel the current run through me, and my already rapid heartbeat speeds up. As he leads me out of the elevator, we can hear the suppressed giggles of the couple erupting behind us. Shepherd grins.<br/>“What is it about elevators?” he mumbles. We cross the expansive, bustling lobby of the hotel toward the entrance, but Shepherd avoids the revolving door, and I wonder if that’s because he’d have to let go of my hand. Outside, it’s a mild May Sunday. The sun is shining, and the traffic is light. Shepherd turns left and strolls to the corner where we stop, waiting for the lights of the pedestrian crossing to change. He’s still holding my hand. I’m in the street, and Derek Shepherd is holding my hand. No one has ever held my hand. I feel giddy, and I tingle all over. I attempt to smother the ridiculous grin that threatens to split my face in two. Try to be cool, Mer, my subconscious implores me. The green man appears, and we’re off again. We walk four blocks before we reach the Portland Coffee House, where Shepherd releases me to hold the door open so I can step inside.<br/>“Why don’t you choose a table, while I get the drinks. What would you like?” he asks, polite as ever.<br/>“I’ll have... um, English Breakfast tea, bag out.” He raises his eyebrows.<br/>“No coffee?”<br/>“I’m not keen on coffee.” He smiles.<br/>“Okay, bag out tea. Sugar?” For a moment, I’m stunned, thinking it’s an endearment, but fortunately my subconscious kicks in with pursed lips. No, stupid, do you take sugar?<br/>“No, thanks.” I stare down at my knotted fingers.<br/>“Anything to eat?”<br/>“No, thank you.” I shake my head, and he heads to the counter. I surreptitiously gaze at him from beneath my lashes as he stands in line waiting to be served. I could watch him all day... he’s tall, broad-shouldered, and slim, and the way those pants hang from his hips... Oh my. Once or twice he runs his long, graceful fingers through his now dry but still disorderly hair. Hmm... I’d like to do that. The thought comes unbidden into my mind, and my face flames. I bite my lip and stare down at my hands again, not liking where my wayward thoughts are headed.<br/>“Penny for your thoughts?” Shepherd is back, startling me. I go crimson. I was just thinking about running my fingers through your hair and wondering if it would feel soft to touch. I shake my head. He’s carrying a tray which he sets down on the small, round, birch-veneer table. He hands me a cup and saucer, a small teapot, and a side plate bearing a lone tea bag labeled ‘Twinings English Breakfast’, my favorite. He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted in the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly. He’s also bought himself a blueberry muffin. Putting the tray aside, he sits opposite me and crosses his long legs. He looks so comfortable, so at ease with his body, I envy him. Here’s me, all gawky and uncoordinated, barely able to get from A to B without falling flat on my face.<br/>“Your thoughts?” he prompts me.<br/>“This is my favorite tea.” My voice is quiet, breathy. I can’t believe I’m sitting opposite Derek Shepherd in a coffee shop in Portland. He frowns. He knows I’m hiding something. I pop the tea bag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with my teaspoon. As I place the used tea bag back on the side plate, he cocks his head gazing quizzically at me.<br/>“I like my tea black and weak,” I mumble as an explanation.<br/>“I see. Is he your boyfriend?” Whoa... What<br/>“Who?”<br/>“The photographer. George O’Malley.” I laugh, nervous but curious. What gave him that impression?<br/>“No. George’s a wonderful friend of mine, that’s all. Why did you think he was my boyfriend?”<br/>“The way you smiled at him, and he at you.” His gray gaze holds mine. He’s so unnerving. I want to look away but I’m caught, spellbound.<br/>“He’s more like family,” I whisper. Shepherd nods slightly, satisfied with my response, and glances down at his blueberry muffin. His long fingers deftly peel back the paper, and I watch, fascinated.<br/>“Do you want some?” he asks, and that amused, secret smile is back.<br/>“No, thanks.” I frown and stare down at my hands again. <br/>“And the boy I met yesterday, at the store. He’s not your boyfriend?”<br/>“No. Finn’s just a friend. I told you yesterday.” Oh, this is getting silly. <br/>“Why do you ask?”<br/>“You seem nervous around men.” Holy crap, that’s personal. I’m just nervous around you, Shepherd.<br/>“I find you intimidating.” I flush scarlet, but mentally pat myself on the back for my candor, and gaze at my hands again. I hear his sharp intake of breath.<br/>“You should find me intimidating,” he nods. <br/>“You’re very honest. Please don’t look down. I like to see your face.” Oh. I glance at him, and he gives me an encouraging but wry smile.<br/>“It gives me some clue what you might think,” he breathes. <br/>“You’re a mystery, Miss Grey.” Mysterious Me?<br/>“There’s nothing mysterious about me.”<br/>“I think you’re very self contained,” he murmurs. Am I? Wow... how am I managing that? This is bewildering. Me, self-contained? No Way.<br/>“Unless you blush which is often. I just wish I knew what you were blushing about.” He pops a minor piece of muffin into his mouth and chews it slowly, not taking his eyes off me. And as if on cue, I blush. Crap!<br/>“Do you always make such personal observations?”<br/>“I hadn’t realized I was. Have I offended you?” He sounds surprised.<br/>“No,” I answer truthfully.<br/>“Good.”<br/>“But you’re very high-handed,” I retaliate quietly. He raises his eyebrows and, if I’m not mistaken, he flushes slightly too.<br/>“I’m used to getting my way, Meredith,” he murmurs. <br/>“In all things.”<br/>“I don’t doubt it. Why haven’t you asked me to call you by your first name?” I’m surprised by my audacity. Why has this conversation become so serious? This isn’t going the way I thought it would go. I can’t believe I’m feeling so antagonistic towards him. It’s like he’s trying to warn me off.<br/>“The only people who use my given name are my family and a few close friends. That’s the way I like it.” Oh. He still hasn’t said, ‘Call me Derek.’ He is a control freak, there’s no other explanation, and part of me is thinking maybe it would have been better if Lexie had interviewed him. Two control freaks together. Plus, she’s almost blonde, well, strawberry blonde, like all the women in his office. And she’s beautiful, my subconscious reminds me. I don’t like Derek and Lexie. I take a sip of my tea, and Shepherd eats another minor piece of his muffin.<br/>“Are you an only child?” he asks. Whoa... he keeps changing direction.<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Tell me about your parents.” Why does he want to know this? It’s so dull.<br/>“My mom lives in Georgia with her recent husband, Bob. My step dad lives in Montesano.”<br/>“Your father?”<br/>“My father died when I was a baby.”<br/>“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, and a fleeting troubled look crosses his face.<br/>“I don’t remember him.”<br/>“And your mother remarried?” I snort.<br/>“You could say that.” He frowns at me.<br/>“You’re not giving much away, are you?” he says dryly, rubbing his chin as if in deep thought.<br/>“Neither are you.”<br/>“You’ve interviewed me once already, and I can recollect some quite probing questions then.” He smirks at me. Holy shit. He’s remembering the ‘gay’ question. Once again, I’m mortified. In years to come, I know, I’ll need intensive therapy to not feel this embarrassed every time I recall the moment. I babble about my mother, anything to block that memory.<br/>“My mom is wonderful. She’s an incurable romantic. She’s on her fourth husband.”<br/>Derek raises his eyebrows in surprise.<br/>“I miss her,” I continue. <br/>“She has Bob now. I just hope he can monitor her and pick up the pieces when her harebrained schemes don’t go as planned.” I smile fondly. I haven’t seen my mom for so long. Derek is watching me intently, taking occasional sips of his coffee. I shouldn’t look at his mouth. It’s unsettling. Those lips.<br/>“Do you get along with your stepfather?”<br/>“I grew up with him. He’s the only father I know.”<br/>“And what’s he like?”<br/>“Richard He’s... taciturn.”<br/>“That’s it?” Grey asks, surprised. I shrug. What does this man expect? My life story?<br/>“Taciturn like his stepdaughter,” Shepherd prompts. I refrain from rolling my eyes at him.<br/>“He likes soccer, European soccer especially, and bowling, and fly-fishing, and making furniture. He’s a carpenter. Ex army.” I sigh.<br/>“You lived with him?”<br/>“Yes. My mom met Husband Number Three when I was fifteen. I stayed with Richard.” He frowns as if he doesn’t understand.<br/>“You didn’t want to live with your mom?” he asks. I blush. This really is none of his business.<br/>“Husband Number Three lived in Texas. My home was in Montesano. And... you know my mom was newly married.” I stop. My mom never talks about husband number three. Where is Shepherd going with this? This is none of his business. Two can play at this game.<br/>“Tell me about your parents,” I ask. He shrugs.<br/>“My dad’s a lawyer, my mom is a pediatrician. They live in Seattle.” Oh... he’s had an affluent upbringing. And I wonder about a successful couple who adopt three kids, and one of them turns into a beautiful man who takes on the business world and conquers it single-handed. What drove him to be that way? His folks must be proud.<br/>“What do your siblings do?”<br/>“Mark’s in construction, and my little sister is in Paris, studying cookery under some renowned French chef.” His eyes cloud with irritation. He doesn’t want to talk about his family or himself.<br/>“I hear Paris is lovely,” I murmur. Why doesn’t he want to talk about his family? Is it because he’s adopted?<br/>“It’s beautiful. Have you been?” he asks, his irritation forgotten.<br/>“I’ve never left mainland USA.” So now we’re back to banalities. What is he hiding?<br/>“Would you like to go?”<br/>“To Paris?” I squeak. This has thrown me. Who wouldn’t want to go to Paris?<br/>“But it’s England that I’d like to visit.” He cocks his head to one side, running his index finger across his lower lip... oh my.<br/>“Because?” I blink rapidly. Concentrate, Grey.<br/>“It’s the home of Shakespeare, Austen, the Bronte Sisters, Thomas Hardy. I’d like to see the places that inspired those people to write such wonderful books.” All this talk of literary greats reminds me I should be studying. I glance at my watch.<br/>“I’d better go. I have to study.”<br/>“For your exams?”<br/>“Yes. They start Tuesday.”<br/>“Where’s Miss Grey’s car?”<br/>“In the hotel parking lot.”<br/>“I’ll walk you back.”<br/>“Thank you for the tea, Mr. Shepherd.” He smiles oddly. I’ve got a whopping enormous secret smile.<br/>“You’re welcome, Meredith. It’s my pleasure. Come,” he commands, and holds his hand out to me. I take it, bemused, and follow him out of the coffee shop. We stroll back to the hotel, and I’d like to say it’s in companionable silence. He at least looks his usual calm, collected self. I’m desperately trying to gauge how our little coffee morning has gone. I feel like they have interviewed me for a position, but I’m not sure what it is.<br/>“Do you always wear jeans?” he asks out of the blue.<br/>“Mostly.” He nods. We’re back at the intersection, across the road from the hotel. My mind is reeling. What an odd question... And I know that our time together is limited. This is it. This was it. And I’ve completely blown it, I know. Perhaps he has someone.<br/>“Do you have a girlfriend?” I blurt out. Holy crap, I just said that out loud? His lips turn up in a half-smile, and he looks down at me.<br/>“No, Meredith. I don’t do the girlfriend thing,” he whispers. Oh... what does that mean? He’s not gay? Oh, maybe he is, crap! He must have lied to me in his interview. And for a moment, I think he will follow on with some explanation, some clue to this cryptic statement, but he doesn’t. I have to go. I have to reassemble my thoughts. I have to get away from him. I walk forward, and I trip, stumbling headlong onto the road.<br/>“Shit, Mer!” Shepherd cries. He tugs the hand that he’s holding so hard that I fall back against him just as a cyclist whips past, narrowly missing me, heading the wrong way up this one-way street. It all happens so fast, one minute I’m falling, the next I’m in his arms, and he’s holding me tightly against his chest. I inhale his clean, vital scent. He smells of freshly laundered linen and some expensive body wash. Oh my, it’s intoxicating. I inhale deeply.<br/>“Are you okay?” he whispers. He has one arm around me, clasping me to him, while the fingers of his other hand softly trace my face, gently probing, examining me. His thumb brushes my lower lip, and I hear his breath hitch. He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment, or maybe it’s forever... but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. Oh my. And for the first time in twenty years, I want to be kissed. I want to feel his mouth on me.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Bar</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kiss me, damn it! I implore him, but I can’t move. I’m paralyzed with an unfamiliar need, completely captivated by him. I’m staring at Derek Shepherd’s exquisitely sculptured mouth, mesmerized, and he’s looking down at me, his gaze hooded, his eyes darkening. He’s breathing harder than usual, and I’ve stopped breathing altogether. I’m in your arms. Kiss me, please. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and gives me a slight shake of his head as if in answer to my silent question. When he opens his eyes again, it’s with some new purpose, a steely resolve.<br/>“Meredith, steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you,” he whispers. What? Where is this coming from? Surely I should be the judge of that. I frown up at him, and my head swims with rejection.<br/>“Breathe, Meredith, breathe. I will stand you up and let you go,” he whispers, and he nuzzles me away. Adrenaline has spiked through my body, from the near miss with the cyclist or the heady proximity to Derek, leaving me wired and weak. NO! My psyche screams as he pulls away, leaving me bereft. He has his hands on my shoulders, holding me at arm’s length, observing my reactions. And the only thing I can think is that I wanted to be kissed, made it damned obvious, and he didn’t do it. He doesn’t want me. He really doesn’t want me. I have royally screwed up the coffee by morning.<br/>“I’ve got this,” I breathe, finding my voice. <br/>“Thank you,” I mumble, awash with humiliation. How could I have misread the situation between us so utterly? I need to get away from him?<br/>“For what?” he frowns. He hasn’t taken his hands off me.<br/>“For saving me,” I whisper.<br/>“That idiot was riding the wrong way. I’m glad I was here. I shudder to think what could have happened to you. Do you want to come and sit down in the hotel for a moment?” He releases me, his hands by his sides, and I’m standing in front of him feeling like a fool. With a shake, I clear my head. I just want to go. All my vague, unarticulated hopes have been dashed. He doesn’t want me. What was I thinking? I scold myself. What would Derek Shepherd want with you? My subconscious mocks me. I wrap my arms around myself and turn to face the road and note with relief that the green man has appeared. I quickly make my way across, conscious that Shepherd is behind me. Outside the hotel, I turn briefly to face him but cannot look him in the eye.<br/>“Thanks for the tea and doing the photo shoot,” I murmur.<br/>“Meredith... I... “He stops, and the anguish in his voice demands my attention, so I peer unwillingly up at him. His gray eyes are bleak as he runs his hand through his hair. He looks torn, frustrated, his expression stark, all his careful control has evaporated.<br/>“What, Derek?” I snap irritably after he says nothing. I just want to go. I need to take my fragile, wounded pride away and somehow nurse it back to health.<br/>“Good luck with your exams,” he murmurs. Huh? Therefore, he looks so desolate? This is the big send off? Just to wish me luck in my exams?<br/>“Thanks.” I can’t disguise the sarcasm in my voice. <br/>“Goodbye, Mr. Shepherd.” I turn on my heel, vaguely amazed that I don’t trip, and without giving him a second glance, I disappear down the sidewalk toward the underground garage. Once underneath the dark, cold concrete of the garage with its bleak fluorescent light, I lean against the wall and put my head in my hands. What was I thinking? Unbidden and unwelcome tears pool in my eyes. Why am I crying? I sink to the ground, angry at myself for this senseless reaction. Drawing up my knees, I fold in on myself. I want to make myself as small as possible. Perhaps this nonsensical pain will be smaller the smaller I am. Placing my head on my knees, I let the irrational tears fall unrestrained. I am crying over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous. Mourning something that never was my dashed hopes, dashed dreams, and my soured expectations. I have never been on the receiving end of rejection. Okay... so I was always one of the last to be picked for basketball or volleyball, but I understood that running and doing something else at the same time like bouncing or throwing a ball is not my thing. I am a serious liability in any sporting field. Romantically, though, I’ve never put myself out there, ever. A lifetime of insecurity I’m too pale, too skinny, too scruffy, uncoordinated, my lengthy list of faults goes on. So I have always been the one to rebuff any would be admirers. There was that guy in my chemistry class who liked me, but no one has ever sparked my interest, no one except Derek damn Shepherd. Maybe I should be kinder to the likes of Finn Clayton and George O’Malley, though I’m sure neither of them have been found sobbing alone in black places. Perhaps I just need a good cry. Stop! Stop Now! My subconscious is metaphorically screaming at me, arms folded, leaning on one leg and tapping her foot in frustration. Get in the car, go home, do your studying. Forget about him... Now! And stop all this self-pitying, wallowing crap.<br/>I take a deep, steadying breath and stand up. Get it together, Grey. I head for Lexie’s car, wiping the tears off my face as I do. I will not think of him again. I can just chalk this incident up to experience and concentrate on my exams. Lexie is sitting at the dining table at her laptop when I arrive. Her welcoming smile fades when she sees me.<br/>“Mer what’s wrong?” Oh, no... not the Alexandra Grey Inquisition. I shake my head at her in a back off now Grey way, but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf mute.<br/>“You’ve been crying,” she has an exceptional gift for stating the damned obvious sometimes. “What did that bastard do to you?” she growls, and her face jeez, she’s scary.<br/>“Nothing Lexie.” That’s actually the problem. The thought brings a wry smile to my face.<br/>“Then why have you been crying? You never cry,” she says, her voice softening. She stands, her green eyes brimming with concern. She puts her arms around me and hugs me. I need to say something just to get her to back off.<br/>“It nearly knocked me over by a cyclist.” It’s the best that I can do, but it distracts her momentarily from... him.<br/>“Jeez Mer, are you okay? Were you hurt?” She holds me at arm’s length and does a quick visual checkup on me.<br/>“No. Derek saved me,” I whisper. <br/>“But I was quite shaken.”<br/>“I’m not surprised. How was coffee? I know you hate coffee.”<br/>“I had tea. It was fine, nothing to report really. I don’t know why he asked me.”<br/>“He likes you, Mer.” She drops her arms.<br/>“Not anymore. I won’t be seeing him again.” Yes, I sound matter of fact.<br/>“Oh?” Crap. She’s intrigued. I head into the kitchen so she can’t see my face.<br/>“Yeah... he’s a little out of my league, Lexie,” I say as dryly as I can manage.<br/>“What do you mean?”<br/>“Oh Lexie, it’s obvious.” I whirl round and face her as she stands in the kitchen doorway.<br/>“Not to me,” she says. <br/>“Okay, he’s got more money than you, but then he has more money than most people in America!”<br/>“Lexie he’s, “I shrug.<br/>“Mer! For heaven’s sake, how many times must I tell you? You’re a total babe,” she interrupts me. Oh, no. She’s off on this tirade again.<br/>“Lexie, please. I need to study.” I cut her short. She frowns.<br/>“Do you want to see the article? It’s finished. George took some glorious pictures.” Do I need a visual reminder of the beautiful Derek I-don’t-want-you Shepherd?<br/>“Sure,” I magic a smile on my face and stroll over to the laptop. And there he is, staring at me in black and white, staring at me and finding me lacking. I pretend to read the article, all the time meeting his steady gray gaze, searching the photo for some clue why he’s not the man for me, his own words to me. And it’s suddenly, blindingly obvious. He’s too gloriously good looking. We are poles apart and from two unique worlds. I see myself as Icarus flying too close to the sun and crashing and burning. His words make sense. He’s not the man for me. This is what he meant, and it makes his rejection easier to accept... almost. I can live with this. I understand.<br/>“Very good Lexie,” I manage. <br/>“I will study.” I will not think about him again for now, I vow to myself, and opening my revision notes, I read. It’s only when I’m in bed, trying to sleep, that I allow my thoughts to drift through my strange morning. I keep coming back to the ‘I don’t do the girlfriend thing’ quote, and I’m angry that I didn’t pounce on this information sooner, when I was in his arms mentally begging him with every fiber of my being to kiss me. He’d said it there and then. He didn’t want me as a girlfriend. I turn on to my side. Idly, I wonder if perhaps he’s celibate. Close my eyes and drift. Maybe he’s saving himself. Well, not for you. My sleepy subconscious has a final swipe at me before unleashing itself on my dreams. And that night, I dream of gray eyes, leafy patterns in milk, and I’m running through black places with eerie strip lighting, and I don’t know if I’m running toward something or away from it... it’s just not clear. I put my pen down. Finished. My last exam is over. I feel the Cheshire cat grin spread over my face. It’s probably the first time all week I’ve smiled. It’s Friday, and we shall celebrate tonight, really celebrating. I might even get drunk! I’ve never been drunk before. I glance across the sports hall at Lexie, and she’s still scribbling furiously. Five minutes to the end. This is it, the end of my academic career. I shall never have to sit in rows of anxious, isolated students again. Inside I’m doing graceful cartwheels around my head, knowing full well that’s the only place I can do graceful cartwheels. Lexie stops writing and puts her pen down. She glances across at me, and I catch her Cheshire cat smile too. We head back to our apartment together in her Mercedes, refusing to discuss our last paper. Lexie is more concerned about what she will wear to the bar this evening. I am busily fishing around in my purse for my keys.<br/>“Mer, there’s a package for you.” Lexie is standing on the steps up to the front door holding a brown paper parcel. Odd. I have ordered nothing from Amazon recently. Lexie gives me the parcel and takes my keys to open the front door. It’s addressed to Miss Meredith Grey. There’s no sender’s address or name. Perhaps it’s from my mom or Richard.<br/>“It’s probably from my folks.”<br/>“Open it!” Lexie is excited as she heads into the kitchen for our ‘Exams are finished hurrah Champagne’. I open the parcel, and inside I find a half leather box containing three seemingly identical old cloth-covered books in mint condition and a plain white card. Written on one side, in black ink in neat cursive handwriting, is: I recognize the quote from Tess. I am stunned by the irony as I’ve just spent three hours writing about the novels of Thomas Hardy in my final examination. Perhaps there is no irony... perhaps it’s deliberate. I survey the books closely, three volumes of Tess of the D’Urbervilles. I open the front cover. Written in an old typeface on the front plate is: ‘London: Jack R. Osgood, McIlvaine and Co., 1891.’ Holy shit, they are first editions. They must be worth a fortune, and I know immediately who’s sent them. Lexie is at my shoulder gazing at the books. She picks up the card.<br/>“First Editions,” I whisper.<br/>“No.” Lexie’s eyes are wide with disbelief. <br/>“Shepherd?” I nod.<br/>“Can’t think of anyone else.”<br/>“What does this card mean?”<br/>“I do not understand. I think it’s a warning, honestly he keeps warning me off. I do not understand why. It’s not like I’m beating his door down.” I frown.<br/>“I know you don’t want to talk about him, Mer, but he’s seriously into you. Warnings or no.” I have not let myself dwell on Derek Shepherd for the past week. Okay... so his gray eyes are still haunting my dreams, and I know it will take an eternity to expunge the feel of his arms around me and his wonderful fragrance from my brain. Why has he sent me this? He told me I wasn’t for him.<br/>“I’ve found one Tess first edition for sale in New York at $14,000. But yours looks in much better condition. They must have cost more.” Lexie is consulting her good friend Google.<br/>“This quote, Tess says it to her mother after Alec D’Urberville has had his wicked way with her.”<br/>“I know,” muses Lexie. <br/>“What is he trying to say?”<br/>“I don’t know, and I don’t care. I can’t accept these from him. I’ll send them back with an equally baffling quote from some obscure part of the book.”<br/>“The bit where Angel Clare says fuck off?” Lexie asks with a straight face.<br/>“Yes, that bit.” I giggle. I love Lexie, she’s so loyal and supportive. I repack the books and leave them on the dining table. Lexie hands me a glass of champagne.<br/>“To the end of exams and our fresh life in Seattle,” she grins.<br/>“To the end of exams, our fresh life in Seattle, and excellent results.” We clink glasses and drink. The bar is loud and hectic, full of soon to be graduates out to get trashed. George joins us. He won’t graduate for another year, but he’s in the mood to party and gets us into the spirit of our newfound freedom by buying a pitcher of margaritas for us all. As I down my fifth, I know this is not an excellent idea on top of the champagne.<br/>“So what now Mer?” George shouts at me over the noise.<br/>“Lexie and I are moving to Seattle. Lexie’s parents have bought a condo there for her.”<br/>“Dios mio, how the other half live. But you’ll be back for my show.”<br/>“George, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I smile, and he puts his arm around my waist and pulls me close.<br/>“It means a lot to me you’ll be there Mer,” he whispers in my ear. <br/>“Another margarita?”<br/>“George O’Malley, are you trying to get me drunk? Because I think it’s working.” I giggle. <br/>“I think I’d better have a beer. I’ll go get us a pitcher.”<br/>“More drink, Mer!” Lexie bellows. Lexie has the constitution of an ox. She’s got her arm draped over Levi, one of our fellow English students and her usual photographer on her student newspaper. He’s given up taking photos of the drunkenness that surrounds him. He only has eyes for Lexie. She’s all tiny camisole, tight jeans, and high heels, hair piled high with tendrils hanging down softly around her face, her usual stunning self. Me, I’m more of a Converse and T-shirt kind of girl, but I’m wearing my most flattering jeans. I move out of George’s hold and get up from our table. Whoa. Head spin. I have to grab the back of the chair. Tequila based cocktails are not an excellent idea. I make my way to the bar and decide that I should visit the powder room while I am on my feet. Good thinking, Mer. I stagger off through the crowd. There’s a line, but at least it’s quiet and cool in the corridor. I reach for my cell phone to relieve the boredom of waiting in line. Hmm... Who did I last call? Was it George? Before that a number, I don’t recognize. Oh yes. Shepherd, I think this is his number. I giggle. I do not understand what the time is. Maybe I’ll wake him. Perhaps he can tell me why he sent me those books and the cryptic message. If he wants me to stay away, he should leave me alone. I suppressed a drunken grin and hit the automatic redial. He answers on the second ring.<br/>“Meredith?” He’s surprised to hear from me. Well, frankly, I’m surprised to ring him. Then my befuddled brain registers... how does he know it’s me?<br/>“Why did you send me the books?” I slur at him.<br/>“Meredith, are you okay? You sound strange.” I fill his voice with concern.<br/>“I’m not the strange one you are,” I accuse. There, that told him. Alcohol fueled my courage.<br/>“Meredith, have you been drinking?”<br/>“What’s it to you?”<br/>“I’m curious. Where are you?”<br/>“In a bar.”<br/>“Which bar?” He sounds exasperated.<br/>“A bar in Portland.”<br/>“How are you getting home?”<br/>“I’ll find a way.” This conversation is not going how I expected.<br/>“Which bar are you in?”<br/>“Why did you send me the books, Derek?”<br/>“Meredith, where are you, tell me now.” His tone is so, so dictatorial, his usual control freak. I imagine him as an old-time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old-fashioned megaphone and a riding crop. The image makes me laugh out loud.<br/>“You’re so... domineering,” I giggle.<br/>“Mer, so help me, where the fuck are you?” Derek Shepherd is swearing at me. I giggle again. “I’m in Portland… a long way from Seattle.”<br/>“Where in Portland?”<br/>“Goodnight, Derek.”<br/>“Mer!” I hang up. Ha! Though he didn’t tell me about the books. I frown. Mission not accomplished. I am drunk, my head swims uncomfortably as I shuffle with the line. Well, the object of the exercise was to get drunk. I have succeeded. This is what it’s like. Probably not an experience to repeat. The line has moved, and it’s now my turn. I stare blankly at the poster on the back of the toilet door that extols the virtues of safe sex. Holy crap, did I just call Derek Shepherd. Shit. My phone rings and it makes me jump. I yelp in surprise.<br/>“Hi,” I bleat timidly into the phone. I hadn’t reckoned on this.<br/>“I’m coming to get you,” he says and hangs up. Only Derek Shepherd could sound so calm and so threatening at the same time. Holy crap. I pull my jeans up. My heart is thumping. Coming to get me? Oh, no. I will be sick... no... I’m fine. Hang on. He’s just messing with my head. I didn’t tell him where I was. He can’t find me here. Besides, it will take him hours to get here from Seattle, and we’ll be long gone by then. I wash my hands and check my face in the mirror. I look flushed and slightly unfocused. Hmm... tequila. I wait at the bar for what feels like an eternity for the pitcher of beer and eventually return to the table.<br/>“You’ve been gone so long.” Lexie scolds me. <br/>“Where were you?”<br/>“I was in line for the restroom.” George and Levi are having some heated debate about our local baseball team. George pauses in his tirade to pour us all beers, and I take a long sip.<br/>“Lexie, I think I’d better step outside and get some fresh air.”<br/>“Mer, you are such a lightweight.”<br/>“I’ll be five minutes.” I make my way through the crowd again. I am feeling nauseous, my head is spinning uncomfortably, and I’m a little unsteady on my feet. More unsteady than usual. Drinking in the cool evening air in the parking lot makes me realize how drunk I am. My vision has been affected, and I’m really seeing double of everything, like in old reruns of Tom and Jerry Cartoons. I think I will be sick. Why did I let myself get this messed up?<br/>“Mer,” George has joined me. <br/>“You okay?”<br/>“I think I’ve just had a bit too much to drink.” I smile weakly at him.<br/>“Me too,” he murmurs, and his black eyes are watching me intently. <br/>“Do you need a hand?” he asks and steps closer, putting his arm around me.<br/>“George I’m okay. I’ve got this.” I try to push him away rather feebly.<br/>“Mer, please,” he whispers, and now he’s holding me in his arms, pulling me close.<br/>“George, what are you doing?”<br/>“You know I like you Mer, please.” He has one hand at the small of my back holding me against him, the other at my chin tipping back my head. Holy fuck... he will kiss me. <br/>“No George, stop no.” I push him, but he’s a wall of hard muscle, and I cannot shift him. His hand has slipped into my hair, and he’s holding my head in place.<br/>“Please, Mer, carina,” he whispers against my lips. His breath is soft and smells too sweet of margarita and beer. He gently trails kisses along my jaw up to the side of my mouth. I feel panicky, drunk, and out of control. The feeling is suffocating.<br/>“George, no,” I plead. I don’t want this. You are my friend, and I think I will throw up. <br/>“I think the lady said no.” A voice in the black days quietly. Holy shit! Derek Shepherd, he’s here. How? George releases me.<br/>“Shepherd,” he says tersely. I glance anxiously up at Derek. He’s glowering at George and he’s furious. Crap. My stomach heaves, and I double over, my body no longer able to tolerate the alcohol, and I vomit spectacularly on to the ground.<br/>“Ugh! Dios mio, Mer!” George jumps back in disgust. Shepherd grabs my hair and pulls it out of the firing line and gently leads me over to a raised flower bed on the edge of the parking lot. I note, with deep gratitude, that it’s in relative darkness.<br/>“If you will throw up again, do it here. I’ll hold you.” He has one arm around my shoulders, the other is holding my hair in a makeshift ponytail down my back so it’s off my face. I try awkwardly to push him away, but I vomit again... and again. Oh, shit… How long is this going to last? Even when my stomach’s empty and nothing is coming up, horrible dry heaves wrack my body. I vow silently that I’ll never, ever drink again. This is just too appalling for words. Finally, it stops. My hands are resting on the brick wall of the flowerbed, barely holding me up, vomiting profusely is exhausting. Shepherd takes his hands off me and passes me a handkerchief. Only he would have a monogrammed, freshly laundered, linen handkerchief. DCG. I didn’t know you could still buy these. Vaguely I wonder what the C stands for as I wipe my mouth. I cannot bring myself to look at him. I’m swamped with shame, disgusted with myself. I want to be swallowed up by the azaleas in the flowerbed and be anywhere but here. George is still hovering by the entrance to the bar, watching us. I groan and put my head in my hands. This has to be the single worst moment of my life. My head is still swimming as I try to remember a worse one and I can only come up with Derek’s rejection and this is so, so many shades darker in terms of humiliation. I risk a peek at him. He’s staring down at me, his face composed, giving nothing away. Turning, I glance at George who looks shamefaced himself and, like me, intimidated by Shepherd. I glare at him. I have a few choice words for my so-called friend, none of which I can repeat in front of Derek Shepherd CEO. Mer, who are you kidding, he’s just seen you hurl all over the ground and into the local flora. There’s no disguising your lack of ladylike behavior.<br/>“I’ll err... see you inside,” George mumbles, but we both ignore him, and he slinks off back into the building. I’m on my own with Shepherd. Double crap. What should I say to him? Apologize for the phone call.<br/>“I’m sorry,” I mumble, staring at the handkerchief which I am furiously worrying with my fingers. It’s so soft.<br/>“What are you sorry for Meredith?” Oh crap, he wants his damned pound of flesh.<br/>“The phone call mainly being sick. Oh, the list is endless,” I murmur, feeling my skin coloring up. Please, please can I die now?<br/>“We’ve all been here, perhaps not quite as dramatically as you,” he says dryly. <br/>“It’s about knowing your limits, Meredith. I mean, I’m all for pushing limits, but really this is beyond the pale. Do you make a habit of behavior?”  My head buzzes with excess alcohol and irritation. What the hell has it got to do with him? I didn’t invite him here. He sounds like a middle-aged man scolding me like an errant child. Part of me wants to say, if I want to get drunk every night like this, then it’s my decision and nothing to do with him, but I’m not brave enough. Not now that I’ve thrown up in front of him. Why is he still standing there?<br/>“No,” I say contritely. <br/>“I’ve never been drunk before, and right now I have no desire ever again.” I just don’t understand why he’s here. I felt faint. He notices my dizziness and grabs me before I fall and hoists me into his arms, holding me close to his chest like a child.<br/>“Come on, I’ll take you home,” he murmurs.<br/>“I need to tell Lexie.” Holy Moses, I’m in his arms again.<br/>“My brother can tell her.”<br/>“What?”<br/>“My brother Mark is talking to Miss Grey.”<br/>“Oh?” I don’t understand.<br/>“He was with me when you phoned.”<br/>“In Seattle?” I’m confused.<br/>“No, I’m staying at the Heathman.” Still? Why?<br/>“How did you find me?”<br/>“I tracked your cell phone, Meredith.” Oh, he did. How is that possible? Is it legal? Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that’s still floating in my brain, but somehow, because it’s him, I don’t mind.<br/>“Do you have a jacket or a purse?”<br/>“Err... yes, I came with both. Derek, please, I need to tell Lexie. She’ll worry.” His mouth presses into a hard line, and he sighs heavily.<br/>“If you must.” He sets me down, and, taking my hand, leads me back into the bar. I feel weak, still drunk, embarrassed, exhausted, mortified, and on some strange level absolutely off the scale thrilled. He’s clutching my hand. Such a confusing array of emotions. I’ll need at least a week to process them all. It’s noisy, crowded, and the music has started so there is a sizeable crowd on the dance floor. Lexie is not at our table, and George has disappeared. Levi looks lost and forlorn on his own.<br/>“Where’s Lexie?” I shout at Levi above the noise. My head is pounding in time to the thumping bass line of the music.<br/>“Dancing,” Levi shouts, and I can tell he’s mad. He’s eyeing Derek suspiciously. I struggle into my black jacket and place my small shoulder bag over my head so it sits at my hip. I’m ready to go once I’ve seen Lexie.<br/>“She’s on the dance floor,” I touch Derek’s arm and lean up and shout in his ear, brushing his hair with my nose, smelling his clean smell. Oh my. All those forbidden, unfamiliar feelings that I have tried to deny surface and run amok through my drained body. I flush, and somewhere deep, deep down my muscles clench deliciously. He rolls his eyes at me and takes my hand again and leads me to the bar. He’s served immediately, not waiting for Mr. Control-Freak Shepherd. Does everything come so easily to him? I can’t hear what he orders. He hands me an enormous glass of iced water.<br/>“Drink,” he shouts his order at me. The moving lights are twisting and turning in time to the music, casting strange colored light and shadows all over the bar and the clientele. He’s alternately green, blue, white, and a demonic red. He’s watching me intently. I take a tentative sip.<br/>“All of it,” he shouts. He’s so overbearing. He runs his hand through his unruly hair. He looks frustrated, angry. What is his problem? Apart from a silly drunk girl ringing him in the middle of the night, so he thinks she needs rescuing. And it turns out she does from her over amorous friend. Then seeing her being violently ill at his feet. Oh Mer... are you ever going to live this down? My subconscious is figuratively tutting and glaring at me over her half moon specs? I sway slightly, and he puts his hand on my shoulder to steady me. I do as I’m told and drink the entire glass. It makes me feel queasy. Taking the glass from me, he places it on the bar. I notice through a blur what he’s wearing; a loose white linen shirt, snug jeans, black Converse sneakers, and a dark pinstriped jacket. I unbutton his shirt at the top, and I see a sprinkling of hair in the gap. In my groggy frame of mind, he looks yummy. He takes my hand once more. Holy cow, he’s leading me onto the dance floor. Shit. I do not dance. He can sense my reluctance, and under the colored lights, I can see his amused, slightly sardonic smile. He gives my hand a sharp tug, and I’m in his arms again, and he moves, taking me with him. Boy, he can dance, and I can’t believe that I’m following him step for step. Maybe it’s because I’m drunk that I can keep up. He’s holding me tight against him, his body against mine... if he wasn’t clutching me so tightly, I’m sure I would swoon at his feet. In the back of my mind, my mother’s often recited warning comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance.<br/>He moves us through the crowded throng of dancers to the other side of the dance floor, and we are beside Lexie and Mark, Derek’s brother. The music is pounding away, loud and leery, outside and inside my head. I gasp. Lexie is making her moves. She’s dancing her ass off, and she only ever does that if she likes someone. Really likes someone. It means there’ll be three of us for breakfast tomorrow morning. Lexie! Derek leans over and shouts in Mark’s ear. I cannot hear what he says. Mark is tall with wide shoulders, curly blonde hair, and light, wickedly gleaming eyes. I can’t tell the color under the pulsating heat of the flashing lights. Mark grins, and pulls Lexie into his arms, where she is more than happy to be... Lexie! Even in my inebriated state, I am shocked. She’s only just met him. She nods at whatever Mark says and grins at me and waves. Derek propels us off the dance floor in double quick time. But I never got to talk to her. Is she okay? I can see where things are heading for her and him. I need to do the safe sex lecture. In the back of my mind, I hope she reads one poster on the back of the toilet doors. My thoughts crash through my brain, fighting the drunk, fuzzy feeling. It’s so warm in here, so loud, so colorful, too bright. My head swims, oh no... and I can feel the floor coming up to meet my face, it feels. The last thing I hear before I pass out in Derek Shepherd’s arms is his harsh epithet.<br/>"Fuck!"</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Hotel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s silent. It mutes the light. I am comfortable in this bed. Hmm... I open my eyes, and for a moment, I’m serene, enjoying the strange unfamiliar surroundings. I do not understand where I am. The headboard behind me is in the shape of a massive sun. It’s oddly familiar? The room is large and airy and plushly furnished in browns and golds and beige. I have seen it before. Where? My befuddled brain struggles through its recent visual memories. Holy crap. I’m in the Heathman Hotel... in a suite. I have stood in a room similar to this with Lexie. This looks bigger. Oh shit. I’m in Derek Shepherd’s suite. How did I get here? Fractured memories of the previous night come slowly back to haunt me. The drinking, oh no the drinking, the phone call, oh no the phone call, the vomiting, oh no the vomiting. George and then Derek. Oh no. I cringe inwardly. I don’t remember coming here. I’m wearing my t-shirt, bra, and panties. No socks. No jeans. Holy shit. I glance at the bedside table. On it is a glass of orange juice and two tablets. Control freak he is, he thinks of everything. I sit up and take the tablets. Actually, I don’t feel that bad, probably much better than I deserve. The orange juice tastes divine. It’s thirst, quenching and refreshing. Nothing beats freshly squeezed orange juice for reviving an arid mouth. There’s a knock on the door. My heart leaps into my mouth, and I can’t seem to find my voice. He opens the door anyway and strolls in. Holy hell, he’s been working out. He’s in gray sweat pants that hang, in that way, off his hips and a gray singlet dark with sweat, like his hair. Derek Shepherd’s sweat. The notion does odd things to me. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I feel like a two-year-old. If I close my eyes, then I’m not really here.<br/>“Good morning, Meredith. How are you feeling?” Oh, no.<br/>“Better than I deserve,” I mumble. I peek up at him. He places an enormous shopping bag on a chair and grasps each end of the towel he has around his neck. He’s staring at me, gray eyes dark, and as usual, I do not understand what he’s thinking. He hides his thoughts and feelings so well.<br/>“How did I get here?” My voice is small, contrite. He comes and sits down on the edge of the bed. He’s close enough for me to touch, for me to smell. Oh, my... sweat and body wash and Derek, it’s a heady cocktail, so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience.<br/>“After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your apartment. So I brought you here,” he says phlegmatically.<br/>“Did you put me to bed?”<br/>“Yes.” His face is impassive.<br/>“Did I throw up again?” My voice is quieter.<br/>“No.”<br/>“Did you undress me?” I whisper.<br/>“Yes.” He turns an eyebrow at me as I blush furiously.<br/>“We didn’t,” I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can’t complete the question. I stare at my hands.<br/>“Meredith, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive,” he says dryly.<br/>“I’m so sorry.” His mouth lifts slightly in a wry smile.<br/>“It was a very diverting evening. Not one that I’ll forget in a while.”<br/>Me neither, oh he’s laughing at me, the bastard. I didn’t ask him to come and get me.<br/>Somehow I’ve been made to feel like the villain of the piece.<br/>“You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond stuff you’re developing for the highest bidder,” I snapped at him. He stares at me, surprised, and if I’m not mistaken, a little wounded.<br/>“First, the technology to track cell phones is available over the Internet. Second, my company does not invest or manufacture any kind of surveillance devices, and third, if I hadn’t come to get you, you’d probably be waking up in the photographer’s bed, and from what I can remember, you weren’t overly enthused about him pressing his suit,” he says acidly. Pressing his suit! I glance up at Derek, he’s glaring at me, his gray eyes blazing, aggrieved. I try to bite my lip, but I cannot repress my laughter.<br/>“Which medieval chronicle did you escape from?” I giggle. <br/>“You sound like a courtly knight.” His mood visibly shifts. His eyes soften and his expression warms, and I see a trace of a smile on his beautifully chiseled lips.<br/>“Meredith, I don’t think so. Dark knight maybe.” His smile is sardonic, and he shakes his head. “Did you eat last night?” His tone is accusatory. I shake my head. What major transgression have I committed now? His jaw clenches, but his face remains impassive.<br/>“You need to eat. That’s why you were so ill. Honestly, Meredith, it’s drinking rule number one.” He runs this hand through his hair, and I know it’s because he’s exasperated.<br/>“Are you going to continue to scold me?”<br/>“Is that what I’m doing?”<br/>“I think so.”<br/>“You’re lucky I’m just scolding you.”<br/>“What do you mean?”<br/>“Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn’t eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk.” He closes his eyes, dread etched on his lovely face, and he shudders slightly. When he opens his eyes, he glares at me. <br/>“I hate to think what could have happened to you.” I scowl back at him. What is his problem? What’s it to him? If I was his... well I’m not. Though maybe part of me would like to be. The thought pierces through the irritation I feel at his high-handed words. I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious, she’s doing her merry dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.<br/>“I would have been fine. I was with Lexie.”<br/>“And the photographer?” he snaps at me. Hmm... young George. I must face him at some point.<br/>“George just got out of line.” I shrug.<br/>“Well, the next time he gets out of line, maybe someone should teach him some manners.”<br/>“You are quite the disciplinarian,” I hiss at him.<br/>“Oh, Meredith, you do not understand.” His eyes narrow, and then he grins wickedly. It’s disarming. One minute, I’m confused and angry, the next I’m gazing at his gorgeous smile. Wow... I am entranced, and it’s because his smile is so rare. I quite forget what he’s talking about.<br/>“I will have a shower. Unless you’d like to shower first?” He cocks his head to one side, still grinning. My heartbeat has picked up, and my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe. His grin widens, and he reaches over and runs his thumb down my cheek and across my lower lip.<br/>“Breathe, Meredith,” he whispers and rises. <br/>“Breakfast will be here in fifteen minutes. You must be famished.” He heads into the bathroom and closes the door. I let out the breath that I’ve been holding. Why is he so damn attractive? I want to join him in the shower. I have never felt this way about anyone. My hormones are racing. My skin tingles where his thumb traced over my face and lower lip. I feel like squirming with a needy, achy... discomfort. I don’t understand this reaction. Hmm... Desire. This is desire. This is what it feels like. I lie back on the soft feather filled pillows. ‘If you were mine.’ Oh my, what would I do to be his. He’s the only man who has ever set my blood racing around my body. Yet, he’s so antagonizing too; he’s difficult, complicated, and confusing. One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen-thousand dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker. And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger. He’s not a dark knight at all, but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor, a classic romantic hero, Sir Gawain or Lancelot. I scramble out of his bed, frantically searching for my jeans. He emerges from the bathroom wet and glistening from the shower, still unshaven, with just a towel around his waist, and there am I, all bare legs and awkward gawkiness. He’s surprised to see me out of bed.<br/>“If you’re looking for your jeans, I’ve sent them to the laundry.” His gaze is a dark obsidian. “They were spattered with your vomit.”<br/>“Oh.” I flush scarlet. Why oh why does he always catch me on the back foot?<br/>“I sent Karev out for another pair and some shoes. They’re in the bag on the chair.” Clean clothes. What an unexpected bonus.<br/>“Um... I’ll have a shower,” I mumble. <br/>“Thanks.” What else can I say? I grab the bag and dart into the bathroom, away from the unnerving proximity of naked Derek. Michelangelo’s David has nothing on him. In the bathroom, it’s all hot and steamy from where he’s been showering. I strip off my clothes and quickly clamber into the shower, eager to be under the cleansing stream of water. It cascades over me, and I hold up my face into the welcoming torrent. I want Derek Shepherd. I want him badly. Simple fact. For the first time in my life, I want to go to bed with a man. I want to feel his hands and his mouth on me. He said he likes his women sentient. He’s probably not celibate then. But he’s not made a pass at me, unlike Finn or George. I don’t understand. Does he want me? He wouldn’t kiss me last week. Am I repellent to him? And yet, I’m here and he brought me here. I just don’t know what his game is? What he’s thinking? You’ve slept in his bed all night, and he’s not touched you Mer. You do the math. My subconscious has reared her ugly, snide head. I ignore her. The water is warm and soothing. Hmm... I could stay under this shower, in his bathroom, forever. I reach for the body-wash and it smells of him. It’s a delicious smell. I rub it all over myself, fantasizing that it’s him, him rubbing this heavenly scented soap into my body, across my breasts, over my stomach, between my thighs with his long-fingered hands. Oh my. My heartbeat picks up again. This feels so... so good.<br/>“Breakfast is here.” He knocks on the door, startling me.<br/>“Okay,” I stutter as I’m yanked cruelly out of my erotic daydream. I climb out of the shower and grab two towels. I put my hair in one and wrap it Carmen Miranda style on my head. Hastily, I dry myself, ignoring the pleasurable feel of the towel rubbing against my over-sensitized skin. I inspect the bag of jeans. Not only has Karev brought me jeans and new Converse, but a pale blue shirt, socks, and underwear. Oh my. A clean bra and panties, actually to describe them in such a mundane, utilitarian way does not do them justice. They are an exquisite design of some fancy European lingerie. All pale blue lace and finery. Wow. I am in awe and slightly daunted by this underwear. Also, they fit perfectly. But they do. I flush to think of the Buzz-Cut man in some lingerie store buying this for me. I wonder what else is in his job description. I dress quickly. The rest of the clothing is a perfect fit. I brusquely towel dry my hair and try desperately to bring it under control. But, as usual, it refuses to cooperate, and my only option is to restrain it with a hair tie. I shall search in my purse when I find it. I take a deep breath. Time to face Mr. Confusing. I’m relieved to find the bedroom empty. I hunt quickly for my purse, but it’s not in here. Taking another deep breath, I enter the living area of the suite. It’s huge. There’s a plush seating area, all overstuffed couches and soft cushions, an elaborate coffee table with a stack of large glossy books, a study area with a top-of-the-range Mac, an enormous plasma screen TV on the wall, and Derek is sitting at a dining table on the other side of the room reading a newspaper. It’s the size of a tennis court or something, not that I play tennis, though I have watched Lexie a few times. Lexie!<br/>“Crap, Lexie,” I croak. Derek peers up at me.<br/>“She knows you’re here and still alive. I texted Mark,” he says with just a trace of humor. Oh no. I remember her fervent dancing of the night before. All her patented moves used with maximum effect to seduce Derek’s brother, no less! What’s she going to think about me being here? I’ve never stayed out before? She’s still with Derek. She’s only done this twice before, and both times I’ve had to endure the hideous pink PJs for a week from the fallout. She will think I’ve had a one-night stand too. Derek stares at me imperiously. He’s wearing a white linen shirt, collar and cuffs undone.<br/>“Sit,” he commands, pointing to a place at the table. I make my way across the room and sit down opposite him as it has directed me. They lade the table with food.<br/>“I didn’t know what you liked, so I ordered a selection from the breakfast menu.” He gives me a crooked, apologetic smile.<br/>“That’s very profligate of you,” I murmur, bewildered by the choice, though I am hungry. <br/>“Yes, it is.” He sounds guilty. I opt for pancakes, maple syrup, scrambled eggs, and bacon. Derek tries to hide a smile as he returns to his egg white omelet. The food is delicious.<br/>“Tea?” he asks.<br/>“Yes, please.” He passes me a small teapot of boiling water and on the saucer is a Twinings English Breakfast tea bag. Jeez, he remembers how I like my tea.<br/>“Your hair’s very damp,” he scolds.<br/>“I couldn’t find the hairdryer,” I mumble, embarrassed. Not that I looked. Derek’s mouth presses into a hard line, but he says nothing.<br/>“Thank you for organizing the clothes.”<br/>“It’s a pleasure, Meredith. That color suits you.” I blush and stare down at my fingers.<br/>“You know, learn to take a compliment.” His tone is castigating.<br/>“I should give you some money for these clothes.” He glares at me as if I have offended him on some level. I hurry on.<br/>“You’ve already given me the books, which I can’t accept. But these clothes, please let me pay you back.” I smile tentatively at him.<br/>“Meredith, trust me, I can afford it.”<br/>“That’s not the point. Why should you buy these for me?”<br/>“Because I can,” his eyes flash with a wicked gleam.<br/>“Just because you can, does not mean that you should,” I reply quietly as he arches an eyebrow at me, his eyes twinkling, and suddenly I feel that we’re talking about something else, but I don’t know what it is. Which reminds me...<br/>“Why did you send me the books, Christian?” My voice is soft. He puts down his cutlery and regards me intently, his gray eyes burning with some unfathomable emotion. Holy crap, my mouth dries.<br/>“Well, when you were nearly run over by the cyclist, and I was holding you and you were looking up at me, all kiss me, kiss me, Christian,” he pauses and shrugs slightly. <br/>“I felt I owed you an apology and a warning.” He runs his hand through his hair. <br/>“Meredith, I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of man, I don’t romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear from me.” He closes his eyes as if in defeat. <br/>“There’s something about you, though, and I’m finding it impossible to stay away. But I think you’ve figured that out already.” My appetite vanishes. He can’t stay away!<br/>“Then don’t,” I whisper. He gasps, his eyes wide.<br/>“You don’t know what you’re saying.”<br/>“Enlighten me, then.” We sit gazing at each other, neither of us touching our food.<br/>“You’re not celibate then?” I breathe. Amusement lights up his gray eyes.<br/>“No, Meredith, I’m not celibate.” He pauses for this information to sink in, and I flush scarlet. The mouth-to-brain filter is broken again. I can’t believe I’ve just said that out loud.<br/>“What are your plans for the next few days?” he asks, his voice low.<br/>“I’m working today, from midday. What is the time?” I panic suddenly.<br/>“It’s just after ten, you’ve plenty of time. What about tomorrow?” He has his elbows on the table, and his chin is resting on his long steepled fingers.<br/>“Lexie and I will start packing. We’re moving to Seattle next weekend, and I’m working at Clayton’s all this week.”<br/>“You have a place in Seattle already?”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Where?”<br/>“I can’t remember the address. It’s in the Pike Market District.”<br/>“Near to me,” his lips twitch up in a half smile. <br/>“So what are you going to do for work in Seattle?” Where is he going with all these questions? The Derek Shepherd Inquisition is almost as irritating as the Alexandra Grey Inquisition.<br/>“I’ve applied for some internships. I’m waiting to hear.”<br/>“Have you applied to my company as I suggested?” I flush... no.<br/>“Um... no.”<br/>“And what’s wrong with my company?”<br/>“Your company or your Company?” I smirk. He smiles slightly.<br/>“Are you smirking at me, Miss Grey?” He cocks his head to one side, and I think he looks amused, but it’s hard to tell. I flush and glance down at my unfinished breakfast. I can’t look him in the eye when he uses that tone of voice.<br/>“I’d like to bite that lip,” he whispers darkly. Oh my. I am unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip. My mouth pops open as I gasp and swallow at the same time. That has to be the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to me. My heart beat spikes, and I think I’m panting. Jeez, I’m a quivering, moist mess, and he hasn’t even touched me. I squirm in my seat and meet his black glare.<br/>“Why don’t you?” I challenge quietly.<br/>“Because I will not touch you, Meredith, not until I have your written consent to do so.” His lips hint at a smile. What?<br/>“What does that mean?”<br/>“Exactly what I say.” He sighs and shakes his head at me, amused, but exasperated too.<br/>“I need to show you, Meredith. What time do you finish work this evening?”<br/>“About eight.”<br/>“Well, we could go to Seattle this evening or next Saturday for dinner at my place, and I’ll acquaint you with the facts then. The choice is yours.”<br/>“Why can’t you tell me now?” I sound petulant.<br/>“Because I’m enjoying my breakfast and your company. Once you’re enlightened, you probably won’t want to see me again.” Holy shit. What does that mean? Does he whiteslave small children to some godforsaken part of the planet? Is he part of some underworld crime syndicate? It would explain why he’s so rich. Is he deeply religious? Is he impotent? Surely not, he could prove that to me right now. Oh my. I flush scarlet thinking about the possibilities. This is getting me nowhere. I’d like to solve the riddle that is Derek Shepherd sooner rather than later. If it means that whatever secret he has is so gross that I don’t want to know him any more than, it will be a relief. Don’t lie to yourself, my subconscious yells at me, it must be bloody bad to have you running for the hills.<br/>“Tonight.” He raises an eyebrow.<br/>“Like Eve, you’re so quick to eat from the tree of knowledge,” he smirks.<br/>“Are you smirking at me, Mr. Shepherd?” I ask sweetly. Pompous ass. He narrows his eyes at me and picks up his BlackBerry. He presses one number.<br/>“Karev. I will need Charlie Tango.” Charlie Tango! Who’s he?<br/>“From Portland at say twenty-third... No, standby at Escala... All night.” All night!<br/>“Yes. On call tomorrow morning. I’ll pilot from Portland to Seattle.” Pilot?<br/>“Standby pilot from twenty-two-thirty.” He puts the phone down. No, please or thank you.<br/>"People always do what you tell them?"<br/>“Usually, if they want to keep their jobs,” he says, deadpan.<br/>“And if they don’t work for you?”<br/>“Oh, I can be very persuasive, Meredith. You should finish your breakfast. And then I’ll drop you home. I’ll pick you up at Clayton’s at eight when you finish. We’ll fly up to Seattle.” I blink at him rapidly.<br/>“Fly?”<br/>“Yes. I have a helicopter.” I gape at him. I have my second date with Christian oh-so-mysterious Grey. From coffee to helicopter rides. Wow.<br/>“We’ll go by helicopter to Seattle?”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Why?” He grins wickedly.<br/>“Because I can. Finish your breakfast.” How can I eat now? I’m going to Seattle by helicopter with Derek Shepherd. And he wants to bite my lip... I squirm at the thought.<br/>“Eat,” he says more sharply. “Meredith, I have an issue with wasted food... eat.”<br/>“I can’t eat all this.” I gape at what’s left on the table.<br/>“Eat what’s on your plate. If you’d eaten properly yesterday, you wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t be declaring my hand so soon.” His mouth sets in a grim line. He looks angry. I frown and return to my now icy food. I’m too excited to eat, Christian. Don’t you understand? My subconscious explains. But I’m too much of a coward to voice these thoughts aloud, especially when he looks so sullen. Hmm, like a small boy. I find the thought amusing.<br/>“What’s so funny?” he asks. I shake my head, not daring to tell him and keep my eyes on my food. Swallowing my last piece of pancake, I peek up at him. He’s eyeing me speculatively.<br/>“Friendly girl,” he says. “I’ll take you home when you’ve dried your hair. I don’t want you getting ill.” There’s some kind of unspoken promise in his words. What does he mean I leave the table, wondering for a moment if I should ask permission but dismissing the idea? Sounds like a dangerous precedent to set. I head back to his bedroom. A thought stops me.<br/>“Where did you sleep last night?” I turn to gaze at him, still sitting in the dining room chair. I can’t see any blankets or sheets out here. Perhaps he’s had them tidied away.<br/>“In my bed,” he says, his gaze impassive again.<br/>“Oh.”<br/>“Yes, it was quite a novelty for me too.” He smiles.<br/>“Not having... sex.” There, I said the word. I blush.<br/>“No,” he shakes his head and frowns as if recalling something uncomfortable. <br/>“Sleeping with someone.” He picks up his newspaper and continues to read. What in heaven’s name does that mean? He’s never slept with anyone? He’s a virgin? Somehow I doubt that. I stand staring at him in disbelief. He is the most mystifying person I’ve ever met. And I realize that I have slept with Derek Shepherd, and I kick myself, what would I have given to be conscious to watch him sleep. See him vulnerable. Somehow, hard to imagine. Well, allegedly all will be revealed tonight. In his bedroom, I hunt through a chest of drawers and find the hair dryer. Using my fingers, I dry my hair the best I can. When I’ve finished, I head into the bathroom. I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm... Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill. Grabbing my t-shirt, bra, and panties from yesterday, I put them in the shopping bag that Karev brought and headed back to the living area to hunt for my bag and jacket. Deep joy, there is a hair tie in my bag. Christian is watching me as I tie my hair into a ponytail, his expression unreadable. I feel his eyes follow me as I sit down and wait for him to finish. He’s on his BlackBerry talking to someone.<br/>“They want two?... How much will that cost?... Okay, and what safety measures do we have in place?... And they’ll go via Suez?... How safe is Ben Sudan?... And when do they arrive in Darfur?... Okay, let’s do it. Keep me abreast of progress.” He hangs up.<br/>“Ready to go?” I nod. I wonder what his conversation was about. He slips on a navy pinstriped jacket, picks up his car keys, and heads for the door.<br/>“After you, Miss Grey,” he murmurs, opening the door for me. He looks so casually elegant. I pause, fractionally too long, drinking in the sight of him. And to think I slept with him last night and, after all the tequila and the throwing up, he’s still here. Also, he wants to take me to Seattle. Why me? I don’t understand it. I head out the door recalling his words, There’s something about you. Well, the feeling is entirely mutual, Mr. Shepherd, and I aim to find out what it is. We walk in silence down the corridor toward the elevator. As we wait, I peek up at him through my lashes, and he looks out of the corner of his eyes down at me. I smile, and his lips twitch. The elevator arrives, and we step in. We’re alone. Suddenly, for some inexplicable reason, possibly our proximity in such an enclosed space, the atmosphere between us changes, charging with an electric, exhilarating anticipation. My breathing alters as my heart races. His head turns fractionally toward me, his eyes darkest slate. I bite my lip.<br/>“Oh, fuck the paperwork,” he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a viselike a grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips. Holy shit. His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine. It’s only just not painful. I moan into his mouth, giving his tongue an opening. He takes full advantage, his tongue expertly exploring my mouth. I have never been kissed like this. My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow erotic dance that’s all about touch and sensation, all bump and grind. He brings his hand up to grasp my chin and holds me in place. I am helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. I feel his erection against my belly. Oh my. He wants me. Derek Shepherd, Greek god, wants me, and I want him, here now, in the elevator.<br/>“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs, each word a staccato. The elevator stops, the doors open, and he pushes away from me in the blink of an eye, leaving me hanging. Three men in business suits look at both of us and smirk as they climb on board. My heart rate is through the roof, I feel like I’ve run an uphill race. I want to lean over and grasp my knees, but that’s just too obvious. I glance up at him. He looks so cool, like he’s been doing the Seattle Times crossword. How unfair? Is he unaffected by my presence? He glances at me out of the corner of his eye, and he gently blows out a deep breath. Oh, he’s affected all right, and my tiny inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba. The businessmen exit on the second floor. We have one more floor to travel.<br/>“You’ve brushed your teeth,” he says, staring at me.<br/>“I used your toothbrush,” I breathe. His lips turn up in a half smile.<br/>“Oh, Meredith Grey, what am I going to do with you?” The doors open at the first floor, and he takes my hand and pulls me out.<br/>“What is it about elevators?” he mumbles, more to himself than to me as he strides across the lobby. I struggle to keep pace with him because my senses have been scattered all over the floor and walls of elevator 3 in the Heathman Hotel.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Proposal</h2></a>
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    <p>Derek opens the passenger door to the black Audi SUV, and I clamber in. It’s a beast of a car. He hasn’t mentioned the outburst of passion that exploded in the elevator. Should I? Should we talk about it or pretend that it didn’t happen? It hardly seems real, my first proper no-holds-barred kiss. As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status. It never happened, it never existed. Perhaps I imagined it all. No. I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman. I want this man, desperate, and he wanted me. I glance at him. Derek is his usual polite, slightly distant self. How confusing. He starts the engine and reverses out of his space in the parking lot. He switches on the MP3 player. It fills the car interior with the sweetest, most magical music of two women singing. Oh, wow... all my senses are in disarray, so this is doubly affecting. It sends delicious shivers up my spine. Derek pulls out on to SW Park Avenue, and he drives with easy, lazy confidence.<br/>“What are we listening to?”<br/>“It’s the Flower Duet by Delibes, from the opera Lakme. Do you like it?”<br/>“Derek, it’s wonderful.”<br/>“It is, isn’t it?” he grins, glancing at me. And for a fleeting moment, he seems his age; young, carefree, and heart-stoppingly beautiful. Is this the key to him? Music? I sit and listen to the angelic voices, teasing and seducing me.<br/>“Can I hear that again?”<br/>“Yes” Derek pushes a button, and the music is caressing me once more. It’s a gentle, sweet, and sure assault on my aural senses.<br/>“You like classical music?” I ask, hoping for a rare insight into his personal preferences.<br/>“My taste is eclectic, Meredith, everything from Thomas Tallis to the Kings of Leon. It depends on my mood. You?”<br/>“Me too. Though I don’t know who Thomas Tallis is.” He turns and gazes at me briefly before his eyes are back on the road.<br/>“I’ll play it for you sometime. He’s a sixteenth century British composer. Tudor church choral music.” Derek grins at me. <br/>“Sounds very esoteric, I know, but it’s also magical, Meredith.” He presses a button, and the Kings of Leon sing. Hmm... this I know. Sex on Fire. How appropriate. The music is paused by the sound of a cell phone ringing over the MP3 speakers. Derek hits a button on the steering wheel.<br/>“Shepherd,” he snaps. He’s so brusque.<br/>“Mr. Shepherd, it’s Hunt here. I have the information you require.” A rasping, disembodied voice comes over the speakers.<br/>“Good. Email it to me. Anything to add?”<br/>“No, sir.” He presses the button, then the call ceases, and the music is back. No goodbye or thanks. I’m so glad that I never entertained the thought of working for him. I shudder at the very idea. He’s just too controlling and cold with his employees. The music cuts off again for the phone.<br/>“Shepherd.”<br/>“I have emailed the NDA to you, Mr. Shepherd.” A woman’s voice.<br/>“Good. That’s all, Arizona.”<br/>“Suitable day, sir.” Derek hangs up by pressing a button on the steering wheel. The music is on briefly when the phone rings again. Holy hell, is this his life, constant nagging phone calls?<br/>“Shepherd,” he snaps.<br/>“Hi, Derek, did you get laid?”<br/>“Hello, Mark - I’m on speakerphone, and I’m not alone in the car,” Derek sighs.<br/>“Who’s with you?” Derek rolls his eyes.<br/>“Meredith Grey.”<br/>“Hi, Mer!” Mer!<br/>“Hello, Mark.”<br/>“Heard a lot about you,” Mark murmurs huskily. Derek frowns.<br/>“Don’t believe a word Lexie says.” Mark laughs.<br/>“I’m dropping Meredith off now.” Derek emphasizes my name. <br/>“Shall I pick you up?”<br/>"Sure."<br/>“See you shortly.” Derek hangs up, and the music is back.<br/>“Why do you insist on calling me Meredith?”<br/>“Because it’s your name.”<br/>“I prefer Mer.”<br/>“Do you now?” he murmurs. We are almost at my apartment. It’s not taken long.<br/>“Meredith,” he muses. I scowl at him, but he ignores my expression. <br/>“What happened in the elevator - it won’t happen again, well, not unless it’s premeditated.” He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live - yet he knows. But then he sent the books. He knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t. Why won’t he kiss me again? I pout at the thought. I don’t understand. Honestly, his surname should be Cryptic, not Shepherd. He climbs out of the car, walking with easy, long-legged grace round to my side to open the door, ever the gentleman - except perhaps in rare, precious moments in elevators. I flush at the memory of his mouth on mine, and the thought I’d been unable to touch him enters my mind. I wanted to run my fingers through his decadent, untidy hair, but I’d been unable to move my hands. I am retrospectively frustrated.<br/>“I liked what happened in the elevator,” I murmur as I climb out of the car. I’m not sure if I hear an audible gasp, but I ignore it and head up the steps to the front door. Lexie and Mark are sitting at our dining table. The fourteen-thousand-dollar books have disappeared. Thank heavens. I have plans for them. She has the most un-Lexie ridiculous grin on her face, and she looks mussed up hastily. Derek follows me into the living area, and despite her I’ve-been-having-a-good-time-all-night grin, Lexie eyes him suspiciously.<br/>“Hi Mer.” She leaps up to hug me, then holds me at arm’s length so she can examine me. She frowns and turns to Derek.<br/>“Good morning, Derek,” she says, and her tone is a little hostile.<br/>“Miss Grey,” he says in his stiff formal way.<br/>“Derek, her name is Lexie,” Mark grumbles.<br/>“Lexie.” Derek gives her a polite nod and glares at Mark who grins and rises to hug me too.<br/>“Hi, Mer,” he smiles, his blue eyes twinkling, and I like him immediately. He’s nothing like Derek, but then they’re adopted brothers.<br/>“Hi, Mark,” I smile at him, and I know that I’m biting my lip.<br/>“Mark, we’d better go.” Derek says mildly.<br/>“Sure.” He turns to Lexie and pulls her into his arms and gives her a long, lingering kiss. Jeez... get a room. I stare at my feet, embarrassed. I glance up at Derek, and he’s watching me intently. I narrow my eyes at him. Why can’t you kiss me like that? Mark continues to kiss Lexie, sweeping her off her feet and dipping her in a dramatic hold so that her hair touches the ground as he kisses her hard.<br/>“Later, baby,” he grins. Lexie just melts. I’ve never seen her melt before - the words comely and compliant come to mind. Compliant Lexie, boy, Mark must be good. Derek rolls his eyes and stares down at me, his expression unreadable, although maybe he’s mildly amused. He tucks a stray strand of my hair that has worked its way free from my ponytail behind my ear. My breath hitches at the contact, and I lean my head slightly into his fingers. His eyes soften, and he runs his thumb across my lower lip. My blood sears in my veins. And all too quickly, his touch is gone.<br/>“Later, baby,” he murmurs, and I have to laugh because it’s so unlike him. But even though I know he’s being irreverent, the endearment tugs at something deep inside me.<br/>“I’ll pick you up at eight.” He turns to leave, opening the front door and stepping out on to the porch. Mark follows him to the car but turns and blows Lexie another kiss, and I feel an unwelcome pang of jealousy.<br/>“So, did you?” Lexie asks as we watch them climb into the car and drive off, the burning curiosity clear in her voice.<br/>“No,” I snap irritably, hoping that will halt the questions. We head back into the apartment. <br/>“You did, though.” I can’t contain my envy. Lexie always ensnares men. She is irresistible, beautiful, sexy, funny, forward... all the things I’m not. But her answering grin is infectious.<br/>“And I’m seeing him again this evening.” She claps her hands and jumps up and down like a small child. She cannot contain her excitement and happiness, and I can’t help but feel happy for her. A happy Lexie... this will be interesting.<br/>“Derek is taking me to Seattle this evening.”<br/>“Seattle?”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Maybe you will then?”<br/>“Oh, I hope so.”<br/>“You like him then?”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Like him enough to... ?”<br/>“Yes.” She raises her eyebrows.<br/>“Wow. Mer Grey, finally falling for a man, and it’s Derek Shepherd - hot, sexy billionaire.”<br/>“Oh, yeah - it’s all about the money.” I smirk, and we both fall into a fit of giggles.<br/>“Is that a new blouse?” she asks, and I let her have all the unexciting details about my night.<br/>“Has he kissed you yet?” she asks as she makes coffee. I blush.<br/>“Once.”<br/>“Once!” she scoffs.<br/>I nod, rather shamefaced.<br/>“He’s very reserved.” She frowns.<br/>“That’s odd.”<br/>“I don’t think odd covers it really,” I murmur.<br/>“We need to make sure you’re irresistible for this evening,” she says with determination. Oh, no... this sounds like it will be time consuming, humiliating, and painful.<br/>“I have to be at work in an hour.”<br/>“I can work with that timeframe. Come on.” Lexie grabs my hand and takes me into her bedroom. The day drags at Clayton’s even though we’re busy. We’ve hit summer, so I have to spend two hours restocking the shelves once the shop is closed. It’s mindless work, and it gives me too much time to think. I’ve not really had a chance all day. Under Lexie’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that this is what men expect these days. What else will he expect? I have to convince Lexie that this is what I want to do? For some strange reason, she doesn’t trust him, maybe because he’s so stiff and formal. She says she can’t put her finger on it, but I have promised to text her when I arrive in Seattle. I haven’t told her about the helicopter, she’d freak. I also have the George issue. He’s left three messages and seven missed calls on my cell. He’s also called home twice. Lexie has been very vague about where I am. He’ll know she’s covering for me. Lexie doesn’t do vague. But I have let him stew. I’m still too angry with him. Derek mentioned some kind of written paperwork, and I don’t know if he was joking or if I will have to sign something. It’s so frustrating trying to guess. And on top of all the angst, I can barely contain my excitement or my nerves. Tonight’s the night! After all this time, am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently. She’s been ready for this for years, and she’s ready for anything with Derek Shepherd, but I still don’t understand what he sees in me... mousey Mer Grey - it makes no sense.<br/>He is punctual and waiting for me when I leave Clayton’s. He climbs out of the back of the Audi to open the door and smiles warmly at me.<br/>“Good evening, Miss Grey,” he says.<br/>“Mr. Shepherd.” I nod politely to him as I climb into the backseat of the car. Karev is sitting in the driver’s seat.<br/>“Hello, Karev,” I say.<br/>“Good evening, Miss Grey,” his voice is polite and professional. Derek climbs in the other side and clasps my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze that I feel all the way through my body.<br/>“How was work?” he asks.<br/>“Very long,” I reply, and my voice is husky, too low, and full of need.<br/>“Yes, it’s been an interminable day for me too.” His tone is serious.<br/>“What did you do?” I manage.<br/>“I went hiking with Mark.” His thumb strokes my knuckles, back and forth, and my heart skips a beat as my breathing speeds up. How does he do this to me&gt; He’s only touching a tiny area of my body, and the hormones are flying?<br/>The drive to the heliport is short, and before I know it, we arrive. I wonder where the fabled helicopter might be. We’re in a built-up area of the city, and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land. Karev parks, climbs out, and opens my car door. Derek is beside me in an instant and takes my hand again.<br/>“Ready?” he asks. I nod and want to say for anything, but I can’t articulate the words as I’m too nervous, too excited.<br/>“Karev.” He nods curtly at his driver, and we head into the building, straight to a set of elevators. Elevator! The memory of our kiss this morning comes back to haunt me. I have thought of nothing else all day. Daydreaming at the register at Clayton’s. Twice Mr. Clayton had to shout my name to bring me back to Earth. To say it has distracted me would be the understatement of the year. Derek glances down at me, a slight smile on his lips. Ha! He’s thinking about it too.<br/>“It’s only three floors,” he says dryly, his gray eyes dancing with amusement. He’s telepathic, surely. It’s spooky. I try to keep my face impassive as we enter the elevator. The doors close, and it’s there, the weird electrical attraction crackling between us, enslaving me. I close my eyes to ignore it. He tightens his grip on my hand, and five seconds later the doors open on to the roof of the building. And there it is, a white helicopter with the name Shepherd Enterprises Holdings Inc. written in blue with the company logo on the side. Surely this is the misuse of Company property. He leads me to a small office where an old timer sits behind the desk.<br/>“Here’s your flight plan, Mr. Shepherd. All external checks are done. It’s ready and waiting, sir. You’re free to go.”<br/>“Thank you, Joe.” Derek smiles warmly at him. Oh. Someone deserving of the polite treatment from Derek, perhaps he’s not an employee. I stare at the old guy in awe.<br/>“Let’s go,” Derek says, and we make our way toward the helicopter. When we’re up close, it’s much bigger than I thought. I expected it to be a roadster version for two, but it has at least seven seats. Derek opens the door and directs me to one seat at the very front.<br/>“Sit - touch nothing,” he orders as he clambers in behind me. He shuts the door with a slam. I’m glad that it illuminates the area, otherwise I’d find it difficult to see inside the small cockpit. I sit down in my allotted seat, and he crouches beside me to strap me into the harness. It’s a four-point harness with all the straps connecting to one central buckle. He tightens both of the upper straps, so I can hardly move. He’s so close and intent on what he’s doing. If I could only lean forward, my nose would be in his hair. He smells clean, heavenly, but I’m fastened securely into my seat and effectively immobile. He glances up and smiles, like he’s enjoying his usual private joke. His gray eyes heated. He’s so tantalizingly close. I hold my breath as he pulls at one of the upper straps.<br/>“You’re secure, no escaping,” he whispers, his eyes are scorching. <br/>“Breathe, Meredith,” he adds softly. Reaching up, he caresses my cheek, running his long fingers down to my chin which he grasps between his thumb and forefinger. He leans forward and plants a brief, chaste kiss on my lips, leaving me reeling, my insides clenching at the thrilling, unexpected touch of his lips.<br/>“I like this harness,” he whispers. What? He sits down beside me and buckles himself into his seat, then begins a protracted procedure of checking gauges and flipping switches and buttons from the mind-boggling array of dials and lights and switches in front of me. Little lights wink and flash from various dials, and the whole of the instrument panel lights up.<br/>“Put your cans on,” he says, pointing to a set of headphones in front of me. I pop them on, and the rotor blades start. They are deafening. He puts his headphones on and continues flipping various switches.<br/>“I’m just going through all the pre-flight checks.” Derek’s disembodied voice is in my ears through the headphones. I turn and grin at him.<br/>“Do you know what you are doing?” I ask. He turns and smiles at me.<br/>“I’ve been a fully qualified pilot for four years, Meredith, you’re safe with me.” He gives me a wolfish grin. <br/>“Well, while we’re flying,” he adds and winks at me. Winking... Derek!<br/>“Are you ready?” I nod, wide eyed.<br/>“Okay, tower. PDX this is Charlie Tango Golf - Golf Echo Hotel, cleared for take-off. Please confirm over.”<br/>“Charlie Tango - you are clear. PDX to call, proceed to one four thousand, heading zero one zero, over. “<br/>“Roger tower, Charlie Tango, set over and out. Here we go,” he adds to me, and the helicopter rises slowly and smoothly into the air. Portland disappears in front of us as we head into US airspace, though my stomach remains firmly in Oregon. Whoa! All the bright lights shrink until they are twinkling sweetly below us. It’s like looking out from inside a fishbowl. Once we’re higher, there really is nothing to see. It’s pitch black, not even the moon to shed any light on our journey. How can he see where we’re going?<br/>“Eerie isn’t it?” Derek’s voice is in my ears.<br/>“How do you know you’re going the right way?”<br/>“Here.” He points his long index finger at one gauge, and it shows an electronic compass. <br/>“This is an EC135 Euro copter. One of the safest in its class. It’s equipped for a night flight.” He glances and grins at me.<br/>“There’s a helipad on top of the building I live in. That’s where we’re heading.” There’s a helipad where he lives. I am so out of my league here. His face is softly illuminated by the lights on the instrument panel. He’s concentrating hard, and he’s continually glancing at the various dials in front of him. I drink in his features from beneath my lashes. He has a beautiful profile. Straight nose, square jawed - I’d like to run my tongue along his jaw. He hasn’t shaved, and his stubble makes the prospect doubly tempting. Hmm... I’d like to feel how rough it is beneath my tongue, my fingers, against my face.<br/>“When you fly at night, you fly blind. Trust the instrumentation,” he interrupts my erotic reverie.<br/>“How long will the flight be?” I manage breathlessly. I wasn’t thinking about sex at all. No, no way.<br/>“Less than an hour, the wind is in our favor.” Hmm, less than an hour to Seattle... that’s not bad going, no wonder we’re flying. I have less than an hour before the big reveal. All the muscles clench deep in my belly. I have a serious case of butterflies. They are flourishing in my stomach. Holy shit, what has he got in store for me?<br/>“You okay, Meredith?”<br/>“Yes.” My answer is short, clipped, squeezed out through my nerves. I think he smiles, but it’s difficult to tell in the darkness. Derek flicks yet another switch.<br/>“PDX this is Charlie Tango now at one four thousand, over.” He exchanges information with air traffic control. It all sounds very professional to me. I think we’re moving from Portland’s air space to Seattle International Airport.<br/>“Understood Sea-Tac, standing by over and out.”<br/>“Look, over there.” He points to a small pin-point of light in the far distance.<br/>“That’s Seattle.”<br/>“Do you always impress women this way? Come and fly in my helicopter?” I ask, genuinely interested.<br/>“I’ve never bought a girl up here, Meredith. It’s another first for me.” His voice is quiet, serious. Oh, that was an unexpected answer. Another first. Oh, the sleeping thing, perhaps?<br/>“Are you impressed?”<br/>“I’m awed, Derek.” He smiles.<br/>“Awed?” And for a moment, he’s his age again. I nod.<br/>“You’re just so... competent.”<br/>“Why, thank you, Miss Grey,” he says politely. I think he’s pleased, but I’m not sure. We ride into the gloomy night in silence for a while. The bright spot that is Seattle is slowly getting bigger.<br/>“Sea-Tac tower to Charlie Tango. Flight plan to Escala in place. Please proceed. And standby. Over.”<br/>“This is Charlie Tango, understood Sea-Tac. Standing by, over and out.”<br/>“You enjoy this,” I murmur.<br/>“What?” He glances at me. He looks quizzical in the half-light of the instruments.<br/>“Flying,” I reply.<br/>“It requires control and concentration... how could I not love it? Though, my favorite is soaring.”<br/>“Soaring?”<br/>“Yes. Gliding to the layperson. Gliders and helicopters - I fly them both.”<br/>“Oh.” Expensive hobbies. I remember him telling me during the interview. I enjoy reading and occasionally going to the movies. I am out of my depth here.<br/>“Charlie Tango come in please, over.” The disembodied voice of air traffic control interrupts my reverie. Derek answers, sounding in control and confident. Seattle is getting closer. We are on the very outskirts now. Wow! It looks stunning. Seattle at night, from the sky...<br/>“Looks good, doesn’t it?” Derek murmurs. I nod enthusiastically. It looks otherworldly - unreal - and I feel like I’m on a giant film set, George’s favorite film maybe, ‘Blade runner.’ The memory of George’s attempted kiss haunts me. I’m feeling cruel not calling him back. He can wait until tomorrow... surely.<br/>“We’ll be there in a few minutes,” Derek mutters, and suddenly my blood is pounding in my ears as my heartbeat speeds up and adrenaline spikes through my system. He talks to air traffic control again, but I am no longer listening. Oh, my... I think I will faint. My fate is in his hands. We are now flying amongst the buildings, and up ahead I can see a tall skyscraper with a helipad on top. They paint the word Escala in white on top of the building. It’s getting nearer and nearer, bigger and bigger... like my anxiety. God, I hope I don’t let him down. He’ll find me lacking. I wish I’d listened to Lexie and borrowed one of her dresses, but I like my black jeans, and I’m wearing a soft mint green shirt and Lexie’s black jacket. I look smart enough. I grip the edge of my seat tighter and tighter. I can do this. I can do this. I chant this mantra as the skyscraper looms below us. The helicopter slows and hovers, and Derek sets it down on the helipad on top of the building. My heart is in my mouth. I can’t decide if it’s from nervous anticipation, relief that we’ve arrived alive, or fear that I will fail. He switches the ignition off and the rotor blades quiet until all I hear is the sound of my own erratic breathing. Derek takes his headphones off and reaches across and pulls mine off too.<br/>“We’re here,” he whispers. His look is so intense, half in shadow and half in the bright white light from the landing lights. Dark knight and white knight, it’s a fitting metaphor for Derek. He looks strained. His jaw is clenched and his eyes are tight. He unfastens his seatbelt and reaches over to unbuckle mine. His face is inches from mine.<br/>“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You know that don’t you?” His tone is so earnest, desperate even, his gray eyes impassioned. He takes me by surprise.<br/>“I’d do nothing I didn’t want to do, Derek.” And as I say the words, I don’t quite feel their conviction because now - I’d probably do anything for this man seated beside me. But this does the trick. He’s mollified. He eyes me warily for a moment and somehow, even though he’s so tall, he eases his way gracefully to the door of the helicopter and opens it. He jumps out, waiting for me to follow, and takes my hand as I clamber down on to the helipad. It’s very windy on top of the building, and I’m nervous about the fact that I’m standing at least thirty stories high in an unenclosed space. Derek wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me tightly against him.<br/>“Come,” he shouts above the noise of the wind. He drags me over to an elevator shaft and, after tapping a number into a keypad, the doors open. It’s warm inside and all mirrored glass. I can see Derek to infinity everywhere I look, and the wonderful thing is, he’s holding me to infinity too. Derek taps another code into the keypad, then the doors close and the elevator descends. Moments later, we’re in an all-white foyer. In the middle is a round, black wood table, and on it is an unbelievably enormous bunch of white flowers. On the walls there are paintings, everywhere. He opens two double doors, and the white theme continues through the wide corridor and directly opposite where a palatial room opens up. It’s the key living area, double height. Huge is too small a word for it. The far wall is glass and leads on to a balcony that overlooks Seattle. To the right is an imposing ‘U’ shaped sofa that could sit ten adults comfortably. It faces a state-of-the-art stainless steel - or maybe platinum for all I know - modern fireplace. The fire is lit and flaming gently. On the left beside us, by the entryway, is the kitchen area. All white with dark wood worktops and an enormous breakfast bar which seats six. Near the kitchen area, in front of the glass wall, is a dining table surrounded by sixteen chairs. And tucked in the corner is a full size, shiny black grand piano. Oh, yes... he probably plays the piano too. There is art of all shapes and sizes on all the walls. In fact, this apartment looks more like a gallery than a place to live.<br/>“Can I take your jacket?” Derek asks. I shake my head. I’m still cold from the wind on the helipad.<br/>“Would you like a drink?” he asks. I blink at him. After last night! Is he trying to be funny for one second, I think about asking for a margarita - but I don’t have the nerve.<br/>“I will have a glass of white wine, would you like to join me?”<br/>“Yes, please,” I murmur. I am standing in this enormous room feeling out of place. I walk over to the glass wall, and I realize that the lower half of the wall opens concertina-style on to the balcony. Seattle is lit up and lively in the background. I walk back to the kitchen area - it takes a few seconds, it’s so far from the glass wall - and Derek is opening a bottle of wine. He’s removed his jacket.<br/>“Pouilly Fume okay with you?”<br/>“I know nothing about wine, Derek. I’m sure it will be fine.” My voice is soft and hesitant. My heart is thumping. I want to run. This is rich. Over-the-top Bill Gates style wealthy. What am I doing here? You know very well what you’re doing here - my subconscious sneers at me? Yes, I want to be in Derek Shepherd’s bed.<br/>“Here.” He hands me a glass of wine. Even the glasses are rich... heavy, contemporary, crystal. I take a sip, and the wine is light, crisp, and delicious.<br/>“You’re silent, and you’re not even blushing. In fact - I think this is the palest I’ve ever seen you, Meredith,” he murmurs. <br/>“Are you hungry?” I shake my head. Not for food.<br/>“It’s a big place you have here.”<br/>“Big?”<br/>“Big.”<br/>“It’s big,” he agrees, and his eyes glow with amusement. I take another sip of wine.<br/>“Do you play?” I point my chin at the piano.<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Well?”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“You do. Is there anything you can’t do well?”<br/>“Yes... a few things.” He takes a sip of his wine. He doesn’t take his eyes off me. I feel them following me as I turn and glance around this vast room. Room is the wrong word. It’s not a room - it’s a mission statement.<br/>“Do you want to sit?” I nod, and he takes my hand and leads me to the large off-white couch. As I sit, I’m struck because I feel like Tess Durbeyfield looking at the unfamiliar house that belongs to the notorious Alec D’Urberville. The thought makes me smile.<br/>“What’s so amusing?” He sits down beside me, turning to face me. He rests his head on his right hand, his elbow propped on the back of the couch.<br/>“Why did you give me Tess of the D’Urbervilles specifically?” I ask. Derek stares at me for a moment. I think he’s surprised by my question.<br/>“Well, you said you liked Thomas Hardy.”<br/>“Is that the only reason?” Even I can hear the disappointment in my voice. His mouth presses into a hard line.<br/>“It seemed appropriate. I could hold you to some impossibly high ideal like Angel Clare or debase you like Alec D’Urberville,” he murmurs, and his gray eyes flash dark and dangerous.<br/>“If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement.” I whisper, gazing at him. My subconscious is staring at me in awe. He gasps.<br/>“Meredith, stop biting your lip, please. It’s very distracting. You don’t know what you’re saying.”<br/>“That’s why I’m here.” He frowns.<br/>“Yes. Would you excuse me a moment?” He disappears through a wide doorway on the far side of the room. He’s gone for two minutes and returns with a document.<br/>“This is a non-disclosure agreement.” He shrugs and has the grace to look a little embarrassed. <br/>“My lawyer insists on it.” He hands it to me. I’m completely bemused. <br/>“If you’re going for option two, debasement, you must sign this.”<br/>“And if I don’t want to sign anything?”<br/>“Then it’s Angel Clare high ideals, well, for most of the book, anyway.”<br/>“What does this agreement mean?”<br/>“It means you cannot disclose anything about us. Anything to anyone.” I stare at him in disbelief. Holy shit. It’s bad, terrible, and now I’m very curious to know.<br/>“Okay. I’ll sign.” He hands me a pen.<br/>“Aren’t you even going to read it?”<br/>“No.” He frowns.<br/>“Meredith, always read anything you sign,” he admonishes me.<br/>“Derek, what you cannot understand is that I wouldn’t talk about us to anyone, anyway. Even Lexie. So it’s immaterial whether I sign an agreement. If it means so much to you, or your lawyer... whom you talk to, then fine. I’ll sign.” He gazes down at me, and he nods gravely.<br/>“Fair point well made, Miss Grey.” I lavishly sign on the dotted line of both copies and hand one back to him. Folding the other, I place it in my purse and take a large swig of my wine. I’m sounding so much braver than I’m feeling.<br/>“Does this mean you will make love to me tonight, Derek?” Holy shit. Did I just say that his mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.<br/>“No, Meredith, it doesn’t. First, I don’t make love. I fuck... hard. Second, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and third, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.” My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so... hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified.<br/>“You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly.<br/>“No, Meredith, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come.” He stands, holding out his hand. I let him lead me back out to the corridor. On the right of the double doors, where we came in, another door leads to a staircase. We go up to the second floor and turn right. Producing a key from his pocket, he unlocks yet another door and takes a deep breath.<br/>“You can leave anytime. The helicopter is on standby to take you whenever you want to go, you can stay the night and go home in the morning. It’s fine, whatever you decide.”<br/>“Just open the damn door, Derek.” He opens the door and stands back to let me in. I gaze at him once more. I so want to know what’s in here. Taking a deep breath, I walk in. And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition. Holy fuck.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Rules</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys!! Sorry I haven't been updating. I kind of forgot that I have to update in more than one place.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first thing I notice is the smell; leather, wood, polish with a faint citrus scent. It’s very pleasant, and the lighting is soft, subtle. In fact, I can’t see the source, but it’s around the cornice in the room, emitting an ambient glow. The walls and ceiling are a deep burgundy, giving a womb-like effect to the spacious room, and the floor is old, old varnished wood. There is a large wooden cross like an X fastened to the wall facing the door. It’s made of high-polished mahogany, and there are restraining cuffs on each corner. Above it is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling, eight-foot square at least, and from it hang many ropes, chains, and glinting shackles. By the door, two long, polished, ornately carved poles, like spindles from a banister but longer, hang like curtain rods across the wall. From them swing a startling assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, and funny-looking feathery implements. Beside the door stands a substantial mahogany chest of drawers, each drawer slim as if designed to contain specimens in a crusty old museum. I wonder briefly what the drawers hold. Do I want to know? In the far corner is an oxblood leather padded bench, and fixed to the wall beside it is a wooden, polished rack that looks like a pool or billiard cue holder, but on closer inspection, it holds canes of varying lengths and widths. There’s a stout six-foot-long table in the opposite corner - polished wood with intricately carved legs - and two matching stools underneath. But what dominates the room is a bed. It’s bigger than king-size, an ornately carved rococo four-poster with a flat top. It looks late nineteenth century. Under the canopy, I can see more gleaming chains and cuffs. There is no bedding... just a mattress covered in red leather and red satin cushions piled at one end. At the foot of the bed, set apart a few feet, is a large oxblood chesterfield couch, just stuck in the middle of the room facing the bed. An odd arrangement... to have a couch facing the bed, and I smile to myself - I’ve picked on the couch as odd, when really it’s the most mundane piece of furniture in the room. I glance up and stare at the ceiling. There are karabiners all over the ceiling at odd intervals. I vaguely wonder what they’re for. Weirdly, all the wood, dark walls, moody lighting, and oxblood leather make the room kind of soft and romantic... I know it’s anything, but this is Derek’s version of soft and romantic. I turn, and he’s regarding me intently as I knew he would be, his expression unreadable. I walk further into the room, and he follows me. The feathery thing has me intrigued. I touch it hesitantly. It’s suede, like a small cat-of-nine-tails but bushier, and there are very small plastic beads on the end.<br/>“It’s called a flogger,” Derek’s voice is quiet. A flogger... hmm. I think I’m in shock. My subconscious has emigrated or been struck dumb or keeled over and expired. I am numb. I can observe and absorb but not articulate my feelings about all this, because I’m in shock. What is the response to finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist or masochist? Fear... yes... that seems to be the over-riding feeling. I recognize it now. But weirdly not of him - I don’t think he’d hurt me, well, not without my consent. So many questions cloud my mind. Why? How? When? How often? Who? I walk toward the bed and run my hands down one of the intricately carved posts. The post is very sturdy, the craftsmanship outstanding.<br/>“Say something,” Derek commands, his voice deceptively soft.<br/>“Do you do this to people or do they do it to you?” His mouth quirks up, either amused or relieved.<br/>“People?” He blinks twice as he considers his answer. <br/>“I do this to women who want me to.” I don’t understand.<br/>“If you have willing volunteers, why am I here?”<br/>“Because I want to do this with you, very much.”<br/>“Oh,” I gasp. Why? I wander to the far corner of the room and pat the waist high padded bench and run my fingers over the leather. He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me.<br/>“You’re a sadist?”<br/>“I’m a Dominant.” His eyes are a scorching gray, intense.<br/>“What does that mean?” I whisper.<br/>“It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things.” I frown at him as I try to assimilate this idea.<br/>“Why would I do that?”<br/>“To please me,” he whispers as he cocks his head to one side, and I see a ghost of a smile. Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please, Derek Shepherd. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that’s exactly what I want to do. I want him to be damned delighted with me. It’s a revelation.<br/>“In very simple terms, I want you to want to please me,” he whispers. His voice is hypnotic.<br/>“How do I do that?” My mouth is dry, and I wish I had more wine. Okay, I understand the pleasing bit, but I am puzzled by the soft-boudoir-Elizabethan-torture set up. Do I want to know the answer?<br/>“I have rules, and I want you to comply with them. They are for your benefit and for my pleasure. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction, I shall reward you. If you don’t, I shall punish you, and you will learn,” he whispers. I glance at the rack of canes as he says this .<br/>“And where does all this fit in?” I wave my hand in the general direction of the room.<br/>“It’s all part of the incentive package. Both reward and punishment.”<br/>“So you’ll get your kicks by exerting your will over me.”<br/>“It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. I will gain an impressive deal of pleasure, joy, even in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy - it’s a very simple equation.”<br/>“Okay, and what do I get out of this?” He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.<br/>“Me,” he says. Oh, my. Derek rakes his hand through his hair as he gazes at me.<br/>“You’re not giving anything away, Meredith,” he murmurs, exasperated. <br/>“Let’s go back downstairs where I can concentrate better. It’s very distracting having you in here.” He holds his hand out to me, and now I’m hesitant to take it. Lexie had said he was dangerous, she was so right. How did she know? He’s dangerous to my health, because I know I will say yes. And part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me wants to run screaming from this room and all it represents. I am so out of my depth here.<br/>“I will not hurt you, Meredith.” His gray eyes implore, and I know he speaks the truth. I take his hand, and he leads me out of the door.<br/>“If you do this, let me show you.” Rather than going back downstairs, he turns right out of the playroom, as he calls it, and down a corridor. We pass several doors until we reach the one at the end. Beyond it is a bedroom with a large double bed, all in white... everything, furniture, walls, bedding. It’s sterile and cold, but with the most glorious view of Seattle through the glass wall.<br/>“This will be your room. You can decorate it how you like, have whatever you like in here.”<br/>“My room? You’re expecting me to move in?” I can’t hide the horror in my voice.<br/>“Not full time. Just say, Friday evening through Sunday. We have to talk about all that, negotiate. If you want to do this,” he adds, his voice quiet and hesitant.<br/>“I’ll sleep here?”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Not with you.”<br/>“No. I told you, I don’t sleep with anyone, except you, when you’re stupefied with drink.” His eyes are reprimanding. My mouth presses in a hard line. This is what I cannot reconcile. Kind, caring Derek, who rescues me from inebriation and holds me gently while I’m throwing up into the azaleas, and the monster who possesses whips and chains in a special room.<br/>“Where do you sleep?”<br/>“My room is downstairs. Come, you must be hungry.”<br/>“Weirdly, I seem to have lost my appetite,” I murmur petulantly.<br/>“You must eat, Meredith,” he admonishes and, taking my hand, leads me back downstairs. Back in the impossibly gigantic room, I am filled with deep trepidation. I am on the edge of a precipice, and I have to decide whether to jump.<br/>“I know fully that this is a black path I’m leading you down, Anastasia, which is why I really want you to think about this. You must have some questions,” he says as he wanders into the kitchen area, releasing my hand. I do. But where to start?<br/>“You’ve signed your NDA, you can ask me anything you want, and I’ll answer.” I stand at the breakfast bar watching him as he opens the refrigerator and pulls out a plate of fresh cheeses with two enormous bunches of green and red grapes. He sets the plate down on the worktop and cuts up a French baguette.<br/>“Sit.” He points to one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar, and I obey his command. If I will do this, I will have to get used to it. I realize he’s been this bossy since I met him.<br/>“You mentioned paperwork.”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“What paperwork?”<br/>“Well, apart from the NDA, a contract saying what we will and won’t do. I need to know your limits, and you need to know mine. This is consensual, Meredith.”<br/>“And if I don’t want to do this?”<br/>“That’s fine,” he says carefully.<br/>“But we won’t have any relationship?” I ask.<br/>“No.”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“This is the only relationship I’m interested in.”<br/>“Why?” He shrugs.<br/>“It’s the way I am.”<br/>“How did you become this way?”<br/>“Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer? Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese? Mrs. Wilson - my housekeeper- has left this for supper.” He takes some large, white plates from a cupboard and places one in front of me. We’re talking about cheese... Holy crap.<br/>“What are your rules I have to follow?”<br/>“I have them written. We’ll go through them once we’ve eaten.” Food. How can I eat now?<br/>“I’m really not hungry,” I whisper.<br/>“You will eat,” he says. Dominating Derek, it all becomes clear.<br/>“Would you like another glass of wine?”<br/>“Yes, please.” He pours wine into my glass and comes to sit beside me. I take a hasty sip.<br/>“Help yourself to food, Meredith.” I take a small bunch of grapes. This I can manage. He narrows his eyes.<br/>“Have you been like this for a while?” I ask.<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Is it easy to find women who want to do this?” He raises an eyebrow at me.<br/>“You’d be amazed,” he says dryly.<br/>“Then why me? I really don’t understand.”<br/>“Meredith, I’ve told you. There’s something about you. I can’t leave you alone.” He smiles ironically. <br/>“I’m like a moth to a flame.” His voice darkens. <br/>“I want you badly, especially now, when you’re biting your lip again.” He takes a deep breath and swallows. My stomach somersaults - he wants me... weird, true, but this beautiful, strange, kinky man wants me.<br/>“I think you have that cliche the wrong way round.” I grumble. I am the moth and he is the flame, and I will get burnt. I know.<br/>“Eat!”<br/>“No. I have signed nothing yet, so I think I’ll hang on to my free will for longer, if that’s okay with you.” His eyes soften, and his lips turn up in a smile.<br/>“As you wish, Miss Grey.”<br/>“How many women?” I blurt out the question, but I’m so curious.<br/>“Fifteen.” Oh... not as many as I thought.<br/>“For lengthy periods of time?”<br/>“Some of them, yes.”<br/>“Have you ever hurt anyone?”<br/>“Yes.” Holy shit.<br/>“Badly?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Will you hurt me?”<br/>“What do you mean?”<br/>“Physically, will you hurt me?”<br/>“I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful.” I think I feel a little faint. I take another sip of wine. Alcohol - this will make me brave.<br/>“Have you ever been beaten?” I ask.<br/>“Yes.” Oh... that surprises me. Before I can question him on this revelation further, he interrupts my train of thought.<br/>“Let’s discuss this in my study. I want to show you something.” This is so hard to process. Here I was foolishly thinking I’d spend a night of un-paralleled passion in this man’s bed, and we’re negotiating this weird arrangement. I follow him into his study, a spacious room with another floor-to-ceiling window that opens out on to the balcony. He sits on the desk, motions for me to sit on a leather chair in front of him, and hands me a piece of paper.<br/>“These are the rules. They may be subject to change. They form part of the contract, which you can also have. Read these rules and let’s discuss.”<br/>RULES<br/>Obedience:<br/>The Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately, without hesitation or reservation and expeditiously. The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant except for those activities which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.<br/>Sleep:<br/>The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of seven hours sleep a night when she is not with the Dominant. Food:<br/>The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and wellbeing from a prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4). The Submissive will not snack between meals, except for fruit.<br/>Clothes: During the Term, the Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant. The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for the Submissive, which the Submissive shall use. The Dominant shall accompany the Submissive to purchase clothing on an ad hoc basis. If the Dominant so requires, the Submissive shall during the Term any adornments the Dominant shall require, in the Dominant's presence and any other time the Dominant deems fit.<br/>Exercise:<br/>The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with a personal trainer four times a week in hour-lengthy sessions, to be mutually agreed between the personal trainer and the Submissive. The personal trainer will report to the Dominant on the Submissive’s progress.<br/>Personal Hygiene/Beauty:<br/>The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The Submissive will visit a beauty salon of the Dominant’s choosing to be decided by the Dominant and undergo whatever treatments the Dominant sees fit.<br/>Personal Safety:<br/>The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs, or put herself in any unnecessary danger.<br/>Personal Qualities:<br/>The Submissive will not enter any sexual relations with anyone other than the Dominant. The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times.<br/>She must recognize that her behavior is a direct reflection on the Dominant. She shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings, and misbehavior committed when not in the Dominant's presence. Failure to comply with any of the above will cause immediate punishment, the Dominant shall determine the nature of which.<br/>Holy fuck.<br/>“Hard limits?” I ask.<br/>“Yes. What you won’t do, what I won’t do, we need to specify in our agreement.”<br/>“I’m not sure about accepting money for clothes. It feels wrong.” I shift uncomfortably, the word ‘ho,’ rattling round my head.<br/>“I want to lavish money on you, let me buy you some clothes. I may need you to accompany me to functions, and I want you dressed well. I’m sure your salary, when you get a job, won’t cover the clothes I’d like you to wear.”<br/>“I don’t have to wear them when I’m not with you?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Okay.” Think of them as uniform.<br/>“I don’t want to exercise four times a week.”<br/>“Meredith, I need you supple, strong, and with stamina. Trust me, you need to exercise.”<br/>"But surely not four times a week, how about three?"<br/>“I want you to do four.”<br/>“I thought this was a negotiation?” He purses his lips at me.<br/>“Okay, Miss Grey, another point well made. How about an hour on three days and one day half an hour?”<br/>“Three days, three hours. I get the impression you will keep me exercised when I’m here.” He smiles wickedly, and his eyes glow as if relieved. <br/>“Yes, I am. Okay, agreed. Are you sure you don’t want to intern at my company? You’re an excellent negotiator.”<br/>“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I stare down at his rules. Waxing! Waxing what? Everything.<br/>“So, limits. These are mine.” He hands me another piece of paper.<br/>Hard Limits<br/>No acts involving fire play<br/>No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof No acts involving needles, knives, piercing, or blood No acts involving gynecological medical instruments<br/>No acts involving children or animals<br/>No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin, No acts involving breath control. Ugh. He has to write these down! - they all look very sensible, and frankly, necessary... any sane person wouldn’t want to be involved in this thing, surely? Though I now feel a little queasy.<br/>“Is there anything you’d like to add?” he asks kindly. Crap. I’ve no idea. I am completely stumped. He gazes at me and furrows his brow.<br/>“Is there anything you won’t do?”<br/>“I don’t know.”<br/>“What do you mean you don’t know?” I squirm uncomfortably and bite my lip.<br/>“I’ve done nothing like this.”<br/>“Well, when you’ve had sex, was there anything that you didn’t enjoy doing?” For the first time in what seems to be ages, I blush.<br/>“You can tell me, Meredith. We have to be honest with each other or this will not work.” I squirm uncomfortably again and stare at my knotted fingers.<br/>“Tell me,” he commands.<br/>“Well... I’ve not had sex before, so I don’t know.” My voice is small. I peek up at him, and he’s staring at me, mouth-open, frozen, and pale - pale.<br/>“Never?” he whispers. I shake my head.<br/>“You’re a virgin?” he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he’s angry, glaring at me.<br/>“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he growls.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The First Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Derek is running both his hands through his hair and pacing up and down his study. Two hands - that’s double exasperation. His usual concrete control seems to have slipped a notch.<br/>“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me,” he castigates me.<br/>“The subject never came up. I’m not in the habit of revealing my sexual status to everyone I meet. I mean, we hardly know each other.” I’m staring at my hands. Why am I feeling guilty? Why is he so mad? I peek up at him.<br/>“Well, you know a lot more about me now,” he snaps, his mouth presses into a hard line. <br/>“I knew you were inexperienced, but a virgin!“ He says it like it’s a dirty word.<br/>“Hell, Mer, I just showed you,” he groans. <br/>“May God forgive me. Have you ever been kissed, apart from by me?” <br/>“I have.” I try my best to look affronted. Okay... maybe twice.<br/>“And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. You’re beautiful.” He runs his hand through his hair again. Beautiful. I flush with pleasure. Derek Shepherd thinks I’m beautiful. I knot my fingers together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin. Perhaps he’s near-sighted. My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head. Where was she when I needed her?<br/>“And you’re seriously discussing what I want to do, when you have no experience.” His brows knit together. <br/>“How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.” I shrug.<br/>“No one’s really, you know.” Come up to scratch, only you. And you turn out to be some kind of monster. <br/>“Why are you so angry with me?” I whisper.<br/>“I’m not angry with you, I’m angry with myself. I just assumed...“ He sighs. He regards me shrewdly and then shakes his head. <br/>“Do you want to go?” he asks, his voice gentle.<br/>“No, unless you want me to go,” I murmur. Oh, no... I don’t want to leave.<br/>“No. I enjoy having you here.” He frowns as he says this and then glances at his watch. <br/>“It’s late.” And he turns to look at me. <br/>“You’re biting your lip.” His voice is husky, and he’s eyeing me speculatively.<br/>“Sorry.”<br/>“Don’t apologize. It’s just that I want to bite it too, hard.” I gasp... how can he say things like that to me and not expect me to be affected.<br/>“Come,” he murmurs.<br/>“What?”<br/>“We will rectify the situation right now.”<br/>“What do you mean? What situation?”<br/>“Your situation. Mer, I will make love to you, now.”<br/>“Oh.” The floor has fallen away. I’m in a situation. I’m holding my breath.<br/>“That’s if you want to, I mean, I don’t want to push my luck.”<br/>“I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard.” I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry. He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there.<br/>“I can make an exception, or maybe combine the two we’ll see. I really want to make love to you. Please, come to bed with me. I want our arrangement to work, but you really need to have some idea what you’re getting yourself into. We can start your training tonight - with the basics. This doesn’t mean I’ve come over all hearts and flowers, it’s a means to an end, but one that I want, and hopefully you do too.” His gray gaze is intense. I flush... oh my... wishes come true.<br/>“But I haven’t done all the things you require from your list of rules.” My voice is all breathy, hesitant.<br/>“Forget about the rules. Forget about all those details for tonight. I want you. I’ve wanted you since you fell into my office, and I know you want me. You wouldn’t be sitting here calmly discussing punishment and hard limits if you didn’t. Please, Mer, spend the night with me.” He holds his hand out to me, his eyes are bright, fervent... excited, and I put my hand in his. He pulls me up and into his arms so I can feel the length of his body against mine, this swift action taking me by surprise. He runs his fingers round the nape of my neck, winds my ponytail around his wrist, and gently pulls so I’m forced to look up at him. He gazes down at me.<br/>“You are one brave young woman,” he whispers. <br/>“I am in awe of you.” His words are like some kind of incendiary device; my blood flames. He leans down and kisses my lips gently, and he sucks at my lower lip.<br/>“I want to bite this lip,” he murmurs against my mouth, and carefully he tugs at it with his teeth. I moan, and he smiles.<br/>“Please Mer, let me make love to you.”<br/>“Yes,” I whisper, because that’s why I’m here. His smile is triumphant as he releases me and takes my hand and leads me through the apartment. His bedroom is vast. The ceiling height windows look out on a lit up, high-rise Seattle. The walls are white, and the furnishings are pale blue. The enormous bed is ultra-modern, made of rough, grey wood, like driftwood, four posts, but no canopy. On the wall above it is a stunning painting of the sea. I am quaking like a leaf. This is it. Finally, after all this time, I will do it with none other than Derek Shepherd. My breath is shallow, and I can’t take my eyes off him. He removes his watch and places it on top of a chest of drawers that matches the bed, and removes his jacket, placing it on a chair. He’s dressed in his white linen shirt and jeans. He is heart-stoppingly beautiful. His black copper hair is a mess, his shirt hanging out - his gray eyes bold and dazzling. He steps out of his converse shoes and reaches down and takes his socks off individually. Derek Shepherd’s feet... wow... what is it about naked feet? Turning, he gazes at me, his expression soft.<br/>“I assume you’re not on the pill.” What! Shit.<br/>“I didn’t think so.” He opens the top drawer of the chest and removes a packet of condoms. He gazes at me intently.<br/>“Be prepared,” he murmurs. <br/>“Do you want the blinds drawn?”<br/>“I don’t mind.” I whisper. <br/>“I thought you didn’t let anyone sleep in your bed.”<br/>“Who says we will sleep?” he murmurs softly.<br/>“Oh.” Holy hell. He strolls slowly toward me. Confident, sexy eyes blazing, and my heart pounds. My blood’s pumping around my body. Desire, thick and hot, pools in my belly. He stands in front of me, staring down into my eyes. He’s so freaking hot.<br/>“Let’s get this jacket off, shall we?” he whispers, and takes hold of the lapels and gently slides my jacket off my shoulders. He places it on the chair.<br/>“Do you have any idea how much I want you, Mer Grey?” he whispers. My breath hitches. I cannot take my eyes off his. He reaches up and gently runs his fingers down my cheek to my chin.<br/>“Do you have any idea what I will do to you?” he adds, caressing my chin. The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion. The pain is so sweet and sharp I want to close my eyes, but I’m hypnotized by his gray eyes staring fervently into mine. Leaning down, he kisses me. His lips are demanding, firm and slow, molding mine. He unbuttons my shirt while he places feather-like kisses across my jaw, my chin, and the corners of my mouth. Slowly, he peels it off me and lets it fall to the floor. He stands back and gazes at me. I’m in the pale blue lacy perfect-fit bra. Thank heavens.<br/>“Oh, Mer,” he breathes. <br/>“You have the most beautiful skin, pale and flawless. I want to kiss every single inch of it.” I flush. Oh my... Why did he say he couldn’t make love? I will do anything he wants. He grasps my hair tie, pulls it free, and gasps as my hair cascades down around my shoulders.<br/>“I like brunettes,” he murmurs, and both of his hands are in my hair, grasping each side of my head. His kiss is demanding his tongue and lips coaxing mine. I moan, and my tongue tentatively meets his. He puts his arms around me and hauls me against his body, squeezing me tightly. One hand remains in my hair, the other travels down my spine to my waist and down to my behind. His hand flexes over my backside and squeezes gently. He holds me against his hips, and I feel his erection, which he languidly pushes into me. I moan once more into his mouth. I can hardly contain the riotous feelings or is it hormones that rampage through my body. I want him so badly. Gripping his upper arms, I feel his biceps, he’s strong... muscular. Tentatively, I move my hands up to his face and into his hair. Holy Moses. It’s so soft, unruly. I tug gently, and he groans. He eases me toward the bed until I feel it behind my knees. I think he will push me down on to it, but he doesn’t. Releasing me, he drops to his knees. He grabs my hips with both his hands and runs his tongue around my navel, then gently nips his way to my hipbone, then across my belly to my other hipbone.<br/>“Ah,” I groan. Seeing him on his knees in front of me, feeling his mouth on me, it’s so unexpected and hot. My hands stay in his hair, pulling gently as I try to quiet my too-loud breathing. He gazes up at me through impossibly long lashes, his eyes a scorching smoky gray. His hands reach up and undo the button on my jeans, and he leisurely pulls down the zipper. Without taking his eyes off mine, his hands move beneath the waistband, skimming me and moving to my behind. His hands glide slowly down my backside to my thighs, removing my jeans as they go. I cannot look away. He stops and licks his lips, never breaking eye contact. He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There.<br/>“You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse. He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes me gently so I fall on to the mattress. Still kneeling, he grasps my foot and undoes my converse, pulling off my shoe and sock. I raise myself up on my elbows to see what he’s doing. I’m panting... wanting. He lifts my foot by the heel and runs his thumbnail up my instep. It’s almost painful, but I feel the movement echoed in my groin. I gasp. Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his tongue along my instep and then his teeth. Shit. I groan... how can I feel this, there. I fall back on to the bed, moaning. I hear his soft chuckle.<br/>“Oh, Mer, what I could do to you,” he whispers. He removes my other shoe and sock, then stands and removes my jeans. I’m lying on his bed dressed only in my bra and panties, and he’s staring down at me.<br/>“You’re exquisite, Meredith Grey. I can’t wait to be inside you.” Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive. He takes my breath away.<br/>“Show me how you pleasure yourself.” What, I frown.<br/>“Don’t be coy, Mer, show me,” he whispers. I shake my head.<br/>“I don’t know what you mean.” My voice is hoarse. I hardly recognize it, laced with desire.<br/>“How do you make yourself come? I want to see.” I shake my head.<br/>“I don’t,” I mumble. He raises his eyebrows, astonished for a moment, and his eyes darken, and he shakes his head in disbelief.<br/>“Well, we must see what we can do about that.” His voice is soft, challenging, a delicious sensual threat. He undoes the buttons of his jeans and drags his jeans down, his eyes on mine the whole time. He leans down over me and, grasping each of my ankles, quickly jerks my legs apart and crawls onto the bed between my legs. He hovers over me. I am squirming with need.<br/>“Keep still” he murmurs, and then he leans down and kisses the inside of my thigh, trailing kisses up, over the thin lacy material of my panties, kissing me. Oh... I can’t keep still. How can I not move? I wriggle beneath him?<br/>“We will have to work on keeping you still, baby.” He trails kisses up my belly, and his tongue dips into my navel. Still, he’s heading north, kissing me across my torso. My skin is burning. I’m flushed, too hot, too cold, and I’m clawing at the sheet beneath me. He lay down beside me, and his hand trails up from my hip, to my waist, and up to my breast. He gazes down at me, his expression unreadable, and gently cups my breast.<br/>“You fit my hand perfectly, Meredith,” he murmurs and dips his index finger into the cup of my bra and gently yanks it down freeing my breast, but the under wire and fabric of the cup force it upward. His finger moves to my other breast and repeats the process. My breasts swell, and my nipples harden under his steady gaze. I am trussed-up by my bra.<br/>"Very nice," he whispers appreciatively, and my nipples harden even more. He blows gently on one as his hand moves to my other breast, and his thumb bobbles the end of my nipple, elongating it. I groan, feeling the sweet sensation all the way to my groin. I am so wet. Oh please, I beg internally as my fingers clasp the sheet tighter. His lips close around my other nipple and he tugs, I nearly convulse.<br/>“Let’s see if we can make you come like this,” he whispers, continuing his slow, sensual assault. My nipples bear the delicious brunt of his deft fingers and lips, setting alight every single nerve ending in my body so that my entire body sings with the sweet agony. He just doesn’t stop.<br/>“Oh... please,” I beg, and I pull my head back, my mouth open as I groan, my legs stiffening. Holy hell, what’s happening to me?<br/>“Let go, baby,” he murmurs. His teeth close round my nipple, and his thumb and finger pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces. He kisses me deeply, his tongue in my mouth absorbing my cries. Oh my. That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about. He gazes down at me, a satisfied smile on his face, while I’m sure there’s nothing but gratitude and awe on mine.<br/>“You are very responsive,” he breathes. <br/>“Learn to control that, and it will be so much fun teaching you how.” He kisses me again. My breathing is still ragged as I come down from my orgasm. His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez. His finger slips through the fine lace and slowly circles around me - there. Briefly he closes his eyes, and his breathing hitches.<br/>“You’re so deliciously wet. God, I want you.” He thrusts his finger inside me, and I cry out as he does it again and again. He palms my clitoris, and I cry out once more. He pushes inside me harder and harder still. I groan. Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow... He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh, no... Will it? How?<br/>“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine.<br/>“You expand too.” He leans down, his hands on either side of my head, so he’s hovering over me, staring down into my eyes, his jaw clenched, eyes burning. It’s only now that I register he’s still wearing his shirt.<br/>“You really want to do this?” he asks softly.<br/>“Please,” I beg.<br/>“Pull your knees up,” he orders softly, and I’m quick to obey. <br/>“I will fuck you now, Miss Grey,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. <br/>“Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.<br/>“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity. He stills, gazing down at me, his eyes bright with ecstatic triumph. His mouth is open slightly, and his breathing is harsh. He groans.<br/>“You’re so tight. You okay?” I nod, my eyes wide, my hands on his forearms. I feel so full. He stays still, letting me acclimatize to the intrusive, overwhelming feeling of him inside me.<br/>“I will move, baby,” he breathes after a moment, his voice tight. Oh. He eases back with exquisite slowness. And he closes his eyes and groans and thrusts into me again. I cry out a second time, and he stills.<br/>“More?” he whispers, his voice raw.<br/>“Yes,” I breathe. He does it once more, and stills again. I groan. My body accepting him... Oh, I want this.<br/>“Again?” he breathes.<br/>“Yes.” It’s a plea. And he moves, but this time he doesn’t stop. He shifts onto his elbows so I can feel his weight on me, holding me down. He drifts at first, easing himself in and out of me. And as I grow accustomed to the alien feeling, my hips move tentatively to meet his. He speeds up. I moan, and he pounds on, picking up speed, merciless, a relentless rhythm, and I keep up, meeting his thrusts. He grasps my head between his hands and kisses me hard, his teeth pulling at my lower lip again. He shifts slightly, and I can feel something building deep inside me, like before. I stiffen as he thrusts on and on. My body quivers, bows, a sheen of sweat gathers over me. Oh my... I didn’t know it would feel like this... didn’t know it could feel as good as this. My thoughts are scattering... there’s only sensation... only him... only me... oh please... I stiffen.<br/>“Come for me, Mer,” he whispers breathlessly, and I unravel at his words, exploding around him as I climax and splinter into a million pieces underneath him. And as he comes, he calls out my name, thrusting hard, then stilling as he empties himself into me. I am still panting, trying to slow my breathing, my thumping heart, and my thoughts are in riotous disarray. Wow... that was astounding. I open my eyes, and he has his forehead pressed against mine, his eyes closed, his breathing ragged. Derek’s eyes flicker open and gaze down at me, dark but soft. He’s still inside me. Leaning down, he gently presses a kiss against my forehead then slowly pulls out of me.<br/>“Ooh.” I wince at the unfamiliarity.<br/>“Did I hurt you?” Derek asks as he lies down beside me, propped on one elbow. He tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. And I have to grin, widely.<br/>“You are asking me if you hurt me?”<br/>“I do not lose the irony on me,” he smiles sardonically. <br/>“Seriously, are you okay?” His eyes are intense, probing, demanding even. I stretch out beside him, feeling loose-limbed, my bones like jelly, but I’m relaxed, deeply relaxed. I grin at him. I can’t stop grinning. Now I know what all the fuss is about. Two orgasms... coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow. I did not understand what my body was capable of, could be wound so tightly and released so violently, so gratifyingly. The pleasure was indescribable.<br/>“You’re biting your lip, and you haven’t answered me.” He’s frowning. I grin up at him impishly. He looks glorious with his tousled hair, burning narrowed gray eyes, and serious, tragic expression.<br/>“I’d like to do that again,” I whisper. For a moment, I think I see a fleeting look of relief on his face, before the shutters come down, and he gazes at me through hooded eyes.<br/>“Would you now, Miss Grey?” he murmurs dryly. He leans down and kisses me gently at the corner of my mouth. <br/>“Demanding little thing isn’t you. Turn on your front.” I blink at him momentarily, and then I turn over. He unhooks my bra and runs his hand down my back to my behind.<br/>“You really have the most beautiful skin,” he murmurs. He shifts so that one of his legs pushes between mine, and he’s half lying across my back. I can feel the buttons of his shirt pressing into me as he gathers my hair off my face and kisses my bare shoulder.<br/>“Why are you wearing your shirt?” I ask. He stills. After a beat, he shuffles out of his shirt, and he lies back down on me. I feel his warm skin against mine. Hmm... it feels heavenly. He has a light dusting of hair across his chest, which tickles my back.<br/>“So you want me to fuck you again?” he whispers in my ear, and he trails feather light kisses around my ear and down my neck. His hand moves down, skimming my waist, over my hip, and down my thigh to the back of my knee. He pushes my knee up higher, and my breath hitches... oh my, what’s he doing now He shifts so he’s between my legs, pressed against my back, and his hand travels up my thigh to my behind. He caresses my cheek slowly and then trails his fingers down between my legs.<br/>“I will take you from behind, Meredith,” he murmurs, and with his other hand, he grasps my hair at the nape in a fist and pulls gently, holding me in place. I cannot move my head. I am pinioned beneath him, helpless.<br/>“You are mine,” he whispers. <br/>“Only mine. Don’t forget it.” His voice is intoxicating, his words heady, seductive. I feel his growing erection against my thigh. His long fingers reach round to gently massage my clitoris, circling slowly. His breath is soft against my face as he slowly nips me along my jaw.<br/>“You smell divine,” he nuzzles behind my ear. His hand rubs against me, round and round. Reflexively, my hips circle, mirroring his hand, as excruciating pleasure spikes through my blood like adrenaline.<br/>“Keep still,” he orders, his voice soft but urgent, and slowly he inserts his thumb inside me, rotating it round and round, stroking the front wall of my vagina. The effect is mind-blowing - all my energy concentrating on this one slight space inside my body. I moan.<br/>“You like this?” he asks softly, his teeth grazing my outer ear, and he flexes his thumb slowly, in, out, in, out... his fingers still circling. I close my eyes, trying to keep my breathing under control, trying to absorb the disordered, chaotic sensations that his fingers are unleashing on me, fire coursing through my body. I moan again.<br/>“You’re so wet, so quickly. So responsive. Oh, Meredith, I like that. I like that a lot,” he whispers. I want to stiffen my legs, but I can’t move. He’s pinning me down, keeping up a constant, slow, tortuous rhythm. It’s exquisite. I moan again, and he flashes.<br/>“Open your mouth,” he commands and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly.<br/>“See how you taste,” he breathes against my ear. <br/>“Suck me, baby.” His thumb presses on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly. I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.<br/>“I want to fuck your mouth, Meredith, and I will soon,” his voice is hoarse, raw, his breathing more disjointed. Fuck my mouth! I moan, and I bite down on him. He gasps, and he pulls my hair tighter, painfully, so I release him.<br/>“Naughty, sweet girl,” he whispers, and then reaches over to the bedside table for a foil packet. <br/>“Stay still don’t move,” he orders as he releases my hair. He rips the foil while I’m breathing hard, my blood singing in my veins. The anticipation is exhilarating. He leans down, his weight on me again, and he grabs my hair, holding my head immobile. I cannot move. I’m enticingly ensnared by him, and he’s poised and ready to take me once more.<br/>“We will go real, slow this time, Meredith,” he breathes. And slowly he eases into me, slowly, slowly, until he’s buried in me. Stretching, filling, relentless. I groan loudly. It feels deeper this time, delectable. I groan again, and he deliberately circles his hips and pulls back, pauses a beat, and then eases his way back in. He repeats this motion again and again. It’s driving me insane - his teasing, deliberately slow thrusts, and the intermittent feeling of fullness is overwhelming.<br/>“You feel so good,” he groans, and my insides quiver. He pulls back and waits.<br/>“Oh no, baby, not yet,” he murmurs, and as the quivering ceases, he starts the whole delicious process again.<br/>“Oh, please,” I beg. I’m not sure I can take much more. My body is wound so tight, craving release.<br/>“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward.<br/>“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.” I groan.<br/>“Please, Derek,” I whisper.<br/>“What do you want, Meredith? Tell me.” I groan again. He pulls out and drifts back into me, circling his hips once more.<br/>“Tell me,” he murmurs.<br/>“You, please.” He increases the rhythm infinitesimally, and his breathing becomes more erratic. My insides quicken, and Derek picks up the rhythm.<br/>“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs between each thrust. <br/>“I. Want. You. So. Much.” I moan.<br/>“You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,” he growls. His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice. My body convulses around him, and I come, crying out a garbled version of his name into the mattress, and Derek follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release. He collapses on top of me, his face in my hair.<br/>“Fuck. Mer,” he breathes. He pulls out of me immediately and rolls onto his side of the bed. I pull my knees up to my chest, utterly spent, and immediately drift off or pass out into an exhausted sleep. When I wake, it’s still dark. I do not understand how long I’ve slept. I stretch out beneath the duvet, and I feel sore, deliciously sore. Derek is nowhere to be seen. I sit up, staring out at the cityscape in front of me. There are fewer lights on amongst the skyscrapers, and there’s a whisper of dawn in the east. I hear the music. The lilting notes of the piano, a sad, sweet lament. Bach, but I’m not sure. I wrap the duvet round me and quietly pad down the corridor toward the sizeable room. Derek is at the piano, lost in the music he’s playing. His expression is sad and forlorn, like the music. His playing is stunning. Leaning against the wall at the entrance, I listen enraptured. He’s such an accomplished musician. He sits naked, his body bathed in the warm light cast by a solitary freestanding lamp beside the piano. With the rest of the sizeable room in darkness, it’s like he’s in his own isolated little pool of light, untouchable... lonely, in a bubble. I pad quietly toward him, enticed by the sublime, melancholy music. I’m mesmerized watching his long skilled fingers as they find and gently press the keys, thinking how those same fingers have expertly handled and caressed my body. I flush and gasp at the memory and press my thighs together. He glances up, his unfathomable gray eyes bright, his expression unreadable.<br/>“Sorry,” I whisper. <br/>“I didn’t mean to disturb you.” A frown flits across his face.<br/>“Surely, I should say that to you,” he murmurs. He finishes playing and puts his hands on his legs. I notice now that he’s wearing PJ pants. He runs his fingers through his hair and stands. His pants hang from his hips, in that way... oh my. My mouth goes dry as he casually strolls around the piano toward me. He has broad shoulders, narrow hips, and his abdominal muscles ripple as he walks. He really is stunning.<br/>“You should be in bed,” he admonishes.<br/>“That was a beautiful piece. Bach?”<br/>“Transcription by Bach, but it’s originally an oboe concerto by Alessandro Marcello.”<br/>“It was exquisite, but very sad, such a melancholy melody.” His lips quirk up in a half smile.<br/>“Bed,” he orders. <br/>“You’ll be exhausted in the morning.”<br/>“I woke, and you weren’t there.”<br/>“I find it difficult to sleep, and I’m not used to sleeping with anyone,” he murmurs. I can’t fathom his mood. He seems a little despondent, but it’s difficult to tell in the darkness. Perhaps it was the tone of the piece he was playing. He puts his arm around me and gently walks me back to the bedroom.<br/>“How long have you been playing? You play beautifully.”<br/>“Since I was six.”<br/>“Oh.” Derek as a six-year-old boy... my mind conjures an image of a beautiful copper-haired little boy with gray eyes and my heart melts - a moppet-haired kid who likes impossibly sad music.<br/>“How are you feeling?” he asks when we are back in the room. He switches on a sidelight.<br/>“I’m good.” We both glance down at the bed at the same time. There’s blood on the sheets - evidence of my lost virginity. I flush, embarrassed, pulling the duvet tighter around me.<br/>“Well, that will give Mrs. Wilson something to think about,” Derek mutters as he stands in front of me. He puts his hand under my chin and tips my head back, staring down at me. His eyes are intense as he examines my face. I realize that I’ve not seen his naked chest before. Instinctively, I reach out to run my fingers through the smattering of black hair on his chest to see how it feels. Immediately, he steps back out of my reach.<br/>“Get into bed,” he says sharply. <br/>“I’ll come and lie down with you.” His voice softens. I drop my hand and frown. I don’t think I’ve ever touched his torso. He opens a chest of drawers and pulls out a t-shirt and quickly slips it on.<br/>“Bed,” he orders again. I climb back onto the bed, trying not to think about the blood. He clambers in beside me and pulls me into his embrace, wrapping his arms around me so I’m facing away from him. He kisses my hair gently, and he inhales deeply.<br/>“Sleep, sweet Meredith,” he murmurs, and I close my eyes, but I can’t help feel a residual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Derek Shepherd has a sad side.</p>
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